Even though I do not read papers or watch TV news it's hard not to have heard about this one. Best stories on it so far in my opinion when I did a quick search for background for this post are here and here. Both hilarious, but the Stringfellow one is the one that hits home the most.
There is so much one could say about these swine that are politicians. But really, instead of bitching about them I'm just wondering why we can't just use them in place of animals for animal testing purposes. Especially for the testing of dangerously powerful laxatives. These creatures that are politicians after all really do need to remove some of the shit they are so clearly overfull of.
It seems Home Secretaries in the current UK gov though are especially retarded, incompetent, inept and oh yeah, also thieving sacks of shit. Never mind the £10 or whatever it was for the two gay porn films. I mean seriously, I understand that anyone that has the prospect of having to fuck Jacqui Smith for sex would obviously also be deeply interested in bestiality (specifically I think pig bestiality) so male gay porn is really nothing more than just an entrée before the main course of scatology and farm animals. I think we can all say that -given that her husband probably has to, at least occasionally, have sex with her- we, as tax-paying citizens are happy, nay, even feel duty-bound to pay for her husband's consumption of porn out of our taxes.
It's the well-over £100,000 this nasty bitch has "misappropriated" to pay off her house that I think stings quite a bit more. That and the whole "let's tattoo them with numbers and barcodes" project euphemistically known as the ID card scheme.
Which is why the story with Peter Stringfellow in it resonates the most with me. It's the hypocrisy. These pork-fucking scatologists that are politicians should be punished for the hypocrisy. Which really means we should bring back public stoning.
Oh. And the pic below is the MOST flattering one I could find. Honestly. Perhaps it's wrong to vilify these scum-beings, however, short of Assassination Politics I don't know what other alternative is left!
As some of you know, I have had a rather interesting life and have an interest in archaeology and by extension anthropology. I also am one of the last few people on the planet to have met (and learnt from) some of the lost tribes on this planet. One of these were the Khalahari San People, commonly known as the Bushmen, whom were hunted as animals until relatively recently. You could actually buy a licence to shoot one until late in the 19th century.
But this story today is about another almost extinct people. And I finally have the photographic evidence to prove that at least some isolated specimen of this almost extinct tribe exist.
I have to give you a ittle background first, these people in legend at least were supposed to have been a very powerful tribe in the past, however, little if any factual evidence remains of this supposed vast empire.
Little is known of their prehistory as they seem to have had no written language until conquered by other nearby more powerful people with different cultures whom over time assimilated them to some degree or other. The facts as we can find them today are that they were a very insular people, extremely xenophobic yet with extreme and strange customs. In no particular order, I list a few of the ones we have real evidence for which are really weird to us today:
- Extremely tribal and warlike, they nevertheless always banded together to fight off common enemies, whether this is a cause or an effect of their well documents xenophobia is unknown.
- A matriarchal society in which the men actually have little say in the rather structured social functions they are born into according to a strict caste system.
- Their religious beliefs are extremely complex and to date no clear overall view of them can be deciphered. However they seem to have been an extremely devoted people.
- Their whole existence -once initiated into adulthood with a heavy concotion of fermented liquids that occassionally became lethal- seems centered around communing with the spirit world on a regular basis. This was accomplished several times every lunar month by males and females alike though generally (but not always) in separate cerimonies. These cerimonies included the attempt to induce spiritual experiences by chanting and the ingestion of a variety of fermented liquids. The exact purpose of these rituals, which every adult member of the tribe had to undergo throughout their life on pain of being ostracised, remains unclear.
- When warring against other tribes they also ingested heavy quantitites of fermented liquids, probably to help them overcome any mortal fears and be in touch with their ancestral spirits.
- Bodypainting, tattooing and full nakedness are common and encouraged during their religious rituals, though a relatively modest society when not in the process of trying to connect with the spirit world.
The exact reason for their decline is still not fully understood, however it is theorised by most modern anthropologists as being a combination of the matriarchal nature of their society and the xenophobic attitudes being most prevalent amongst the males of this insular tribe. The devastating consequences being that whilst the menfolk were confined to their social roles in the tribe, the womenfolk often underwent coupling with foreigners.
This was also much aided by their religious practices, where during the regular imbibing of mind-altering substances, the men-folk insulated themselves with other tribesmen and indulged mostly in chanting and occassional war-like behaviour, whilst the segregated womenfolk during these same periods were far more likely to indulge also in sexual activity with any available male, regardless of tribal affilation or not.
In any event, the bastard offspring of these often random coupling, seems to have devastated the once rigid social structure of these primitive yet interesting people. Although many of them moved geographcally South and East of the original tribal lands, their laguage and customs changed to the point that the original people and their far more primitive offshoots cannot even understand or communicate in any really meaningful fashion.
It is a sad thing that these once proud people are now so rare as to practically be walking museums.
As some of you know I enjoy travelling quite extensively as well as try to master difficult languages and I was recently extremely lucky to meet and talk with one of these natives. We discussed the sad demise of his people and though a proud, warrior-like figure, one could see that though he certainly would not show it, he was somewhat nostalgic. One of the last of his kind, and conscious of it. He did not seem to mind when I asked if it would be allright for me to take a picture. He posed proudly, and I fancied myself a bit of a serious anthropologist for a moment, reminiscend of Edward Curtis when he took pictures of the last remaining Red Indians, who themselves were aware of the fact their people would soon be forgotten and this was the only way they may be remembered.
He told me his native name, and posed with me. I present to you in exclusive and for the first time to my knowledge, a picture of one of these rare and almost extinct people.
Here he is on the left. Nick the Native. An original, born and bred, English, West Londoner.
So on the Friday we're just getting ready to go out and meet a friend, Redhead girl is changing and doing girlie things that always take hours and she's nearly finished and all of a sudden the weirdest thing happens. The big glass door to the balcony just spontaneously begins cracking. Audibly.
There is no one in the room but me and nothing has hit the window from either inside or outside.
Here look at this picture:
I mean...What. The. Fuck?!?
The first thing that goes through my mind is that my landlady will never believe this. In fact if I weren't standing right here looking at it and hearing it happen *I* wouldn't fucking believe it.
I've never even heard of anything like this happening on this scale. I mean the whole fucking glass just basically spontaneously "went" pretty much all at once. The "kkk-kkk-kkk-kk" Noise and additional cracks went on for a couple of minutes but it all happened mostly at once. And that "origin point" that seems like the epicenter of this whole mess...well...nothing special about it. There is no impact. In fact the glass is double glazed and the outside facing glass is intact....(which you know...will make it even less believeable I didn't headbutt it or something....)
But the really weird thing is that the inside glass is still completely smooth to the touch, so I am not sure if there are actually three panes of glass and only the middle one cracked this way (which would be even weirder) or what the hell is going on.
My theory was strongly going with my imminent development of superpowers thanks to a quantum node in my brain. Mostly because the main light switch in the lounge also got fried so you can't turn it off anymore and I have to switch the lights off at the circuit breaker box (because the light switch on the wall also gets hot to the touch and sometimes also "buzzes" none of which is good so I'm trying to buy a replacement today). Everyone knows electronic equipment going on the blink is due to imminent superpowers finally showing up in a cool mutant superhero.
But then I found this:
With the full story here.
Which is even weirder because Redhead Girl, who is one of the most realistic and grounded people I know just a few hours earlier when were lying in bed half asleep kind of sat up bolt upright because a weird bluish "cloud" which actually was sort of shaped similarly to these disks was "floating" in a very different way to all the other clouds and faster. It looked odd. We looked at it together just kind of floating away to the left but didn't think of filming it or taking pictures of it. Mostly because I have filmed a UFO for about 5 hours over a decade ago, and that story is so weird I probably just will not really discuss it in full with anyone that I don't know personally, but anyway, I am pretty sure I know what these kind of UFOs are so it's not really a novelty for me.
But the fuckers never broke my glass doors before either. Maybe if I had filmed them I could have reported them to the Galactic Federation's Department of Reckless UFO Driving in Backwater Planets.
If you click on that link above you'll see the UFOs were basically "invisible" to the naked eyes. But then a vehicle that can manipulate electrogravitic fields can do that. They still register strangely on magnetic tape though (which is what I had filmed my UFOs with back in '95) and apparently they register on mobile phone cameras too.
So that is my best guess right now. Maybe they tried to tractor-beam me right into their ships and were foiled by the damn glass. Oh woe is me. My people finally come to rescue me from this forsaken primitive world and I am foiled by double glazing.
The only other alternative would be a poltergeist, but I don't believe in them. Not that they don't exist. But just...you know...they are kind of pussies and I can fry them with a deep thought at will so they just wouldn't dare.
So yeah...I sent my Landlady pictures, left her a voicemail (while the cracking was happening and I tried to record the cracking noises on her voicemail since she didn't answer. Or reply. Three days later...) and I will try to find a new dimmer switch for the lights, but really I'm trying to test my telepathy and calling the aliens back for a second pass. If they can just flash a light or something, I'll open the damn door so they can tractor beam me right this time!
This is too funny:
Apparently on meeting Gordon Brown gave Obama a pen holder made from the wood of a ship that supposedly was an anti-slavery ship. The same one from which twin desks were made on of which is in the oval office and one in Buckingham Palace (watch National Treasure 2, people!)
Now, the English seem to think this is a very thoughtful and proper gift. probably because the English are generally a pompous bunch of ball-less drunks (to paraphrase Monty Python). Because if I was the first Black President of the USA and I got that as a gift I would think it sounded a lot like "You be free now Nigga! You can play with us white boys now!"
But I think Obama is no dullard. He promptly replied with a gift of boxed set DVDs of American classic films. Which included Psycho, but with a final touch of masterstroke. They are all region 1 DVDs so don't play on UK players. Which I think is brilliantly subtle on somany levels.
-Yeah you're a Psycho Gordon, but such an ineffective one that you are a blank.
- Here. Enjoy your IP law ideas.
- Yeah I am free. Fuck you white boy enjoy your present too!
I had a fever yesterday so stayed home and I am working today, which I didn't tell you guys about but anyway, my work is now reduced to 3 days a week and I am doing more of what I want (teaching and doing Systema, setting up my Clinical Hypnosis web-site, and writing).
As it happens Wednesday is the day the girl who comes to clean my place comes round and she is this very cool girl from Khazakstan.
Anyway, her English is pretty limited but she's smart and very professional not to mention scrupulously honest. This actually needs a little interlude...
***
The girl I had before in turns:
- Left a washing machine half-filled with water and clothes and just turned it off mid-cycle so that when I came home I didn't know anything was wrong until I noticed this, tried to switch on the machine and was taken somewhat aback by the noise it made, it sounded like it had the exorcist, Freddy Kruger and Jason all in it at the same time and it was now going to morph into a transformer and kill me before going through the floor and killing my neighbours too.
- Burnt a hole in a lycra running top by ironing it (wtf?) and then hid the top behind one of the stacks of t-shirts I have in my cupboard. When I went for a run I suddenly realised only half-way into it I had an iron shaped hole in the side of it.
- Now I am not saying it was her, but during the time she worked for me a glass top for one of the pots mysteriously disappeared. I suspect it broke and then hyperspaced itself to a bin somewhere. No explanation for this ever came to light.
- Again I am not saying it was her but a £120 black shirt also teleported itself to somewhere that is not my home. Ditto re: explanations. Project Blue Book would have been proud.
In contrast, this girl:
- Early on broke the lids to the brand new recycling bin with separate compartments that Redhead Girl bought me when we first started going out and was appalled, dismayed even at my barbaric nonchalance concerning all things green. When I came home that evening there was a note from the maid explaining she had broken them and was sorry for her mistake.
- When there isn't much to do she scrupulously left me exact change for the time she worked. Even though no one was there to check on her or be able to say anything about what actual time she spent at her work.
This is why she now works for me and not the other girl. As well as why I gave her a raise and I never need to discuss any weird stuff going missing or spontaneously combusting or what have you. And when I occassionally appear stark naked before her, she just takes it in stride and smiles happily about it later.
***
Back to yesterday then...so she's cleaning around and because I sometimes have clients come to the house, I have several diplomas about various things I do displayed (the Clinical Hypnosis and the Russian Martial art of Systema).
She suddenly asks me about it and what it is, so I tell her it's a martial art of Russian origin (which being from Khazakstan she speaks fluently of course) and she seems weirdly quite interested so since I am online I type in Systema and google a random clip and by the oddest coincidence the clip that comes up I am actually in. It's from 3 years ago and I am being thrown around like a rag doll by Vladimir Vasiliev, which is honestly the deadliest guy I have met to date, with the possible exception of the guy who taught him.
Now the video is quite funny because basically Systema looks fake on video. It looks like you're compling with the guy out of some weird hero worship, when in fact the truth is that you really have to move in those weird looking semi-relaxed ways to avoid having something seriously wrong happen to your joints, limbs, spine etc.
That gentle readers is just my humble way of trying to save some dignity after you see the two clips below. When I originally sent them to my brother and sister, they were both incredulous as well as cramped from laughter. They know me well enough to know I would not be purposefully compliant to any degree so the clip made them histerical with laughter. I am sure you smarter people who read my blog will understand the deep nature of this work and instead be awed and amazed. Yes. I have such ineffable faith!
Now, even in martial arts circles, when you tell people you do Systema they basically go: "Sys-what?" because this system was essentially unheard of outside of the old USSR until relatively recently. There are in the Western world only a few people who know how to use this martial art to high degree of ability and I suspect even in the world of Martial artists, high level practitioners of this combat style are really few. It is a style reserved mostly for elite units within the special forces of the Russian military and it has no sport applications.
There are also a couple of "founding fathers" of this "art" one being Mikhail Ryabko (the guy who taught Vladimir) and the other (with a variant style) a certain Kadochnikov.
So she laughs at the video of yours truly. (In awe people, it was laughter of awesomeness I tell you!) and then goes on to say she did some Kadochnikov Systema!
Which kind of blew my mind because even less people know about him but the moment she pronounced his name I knew she wasn't just bragging. So I asked her what she did because I never met anyone yet that trained in that version of it and she said she only did it for a few months because her country is not so safe and she wanted to know how to protect herself and Systema is one thing that in a few months you actually can learn enough to be useful for survival purposes.
So I asked her to show me a strike or something and she says she only mostly learnt escapes from holds and offers her arm to grab. So I do, and she has the tiniest wrists, I litterally can close my hand around it so my fingers are wrapped by my thumb. But she just very calmly executes a simple escape and frees herself. We tried it a couple of times and she was flawless each time.
I have a ninja maid. How COOL is that? And in her honour I found a picture that actually might as well be her it looks so similar to her look-wise. And yeah...she dresses in black mostly. AND she leaves really cool/sexy little red bows of material tied to random objects around the house when she's done. She laughed a lot when I called her on being a ninja. And if you know ninjas...you'll know this is a sure sign she throws poisoned shuriken on a weekly basis.
EDIT UPDATE: Oh and I forgot to mention that after our little mini-practice when I called her a ninja, she said to me I was like the guy from Transporter/Crank/Adrenaline (Jason Statham) so yeah...I'm just waiting for the house to be assailed by evil ninjas the next time she's here and the ensuing of the obvious John Woo style hot-ninja/sexy bald guy team-up and general mayhem for the evil six-hundred strong ninja assault. I am practicing rebounding off the ceiling with upside down helicopter axe-kicks as I type this.
So Redhead Girl just had her birthday recently and this little gem was filmed in the early hours of it when we got home from being out dancing and drinking with friends.
Now you may notice and I say may, a slight timbre to our voices...we may and I say may, have had one, perhaps even two mujitos.
You really need sound for this though. The "I hate you" at the beginning and where she wants to send me at the end are my favourite parts.
I know this will come back to haunt me when I am rich and powerful, but it's just too hilarious not to share.
This guy called Abdi. He's 29 and basically prevented his wife from mutilating their daughters in Somalia.
I read about him in a newspaper I opened today (so yeah, it's another fail because the 3 months are not up, but on the other hand, I get a good story to post about each time I do so it's cool. And no political news were ingested in my reading about female circumcision).
He basically told his wife and mother in law who were all set to have his daughters' clitoris cut out by force that if they did so he would kill his wife and he would take the girls to a doctor on their return to check it had not been done to them.
This story is so touching on so many levels. Firstly it's a stand against the kind of ignorance I despise the most. Secondly it's about a dad protecting his children. Thirdly it's about women being able to enjoy sex, and that alone should really be top of the list. And I confess too, he has that unorthodox style I love. You know...willingness to do murder for a just cause. Like I said touching stuff.
But seriously, those little girls have a cool dad. And I hope one day about 20 years from now they realise just what he did for them.
More power to you Mr. Abdi. In the name of all men, I salute you.
Timeline: Several years ago (late 90's and then late 70s or very early 80s)
A family friend (whom I shall call Claude for fun and protection of the guilty) I hadn't seen in a long time met me at a rifle shop in Cape Town. For whatever reason, from the time I am a child I always had a great eye for spotting injuries on people and fire in the distance. He had a pretty long graze or surface cut on his scalp above his left eyebrow.
"How's the other guy doing?" is how I greeted him.
He smiled in that mock-innocence "What?!"
"Your head. What happened?"
"I was mugged"
Small Pause. Then I just laughed. Right. Mugged. I just knew this was bound to be a funny story.
After some coaxing he told me how he got mugged. He was in some African country for a conference, I forget if it was Kenya or wherever, anyway, being South African, large, white and dressed in a suit he thought nothing better than to go for a stroll in the local park at night before dinner at his five star hotel. On this fine evening's constitutional, they met a mugger. Said mugger immediately told them to hand over their money because he had a gun. He had his hand under his jacket so they could not see if this was true or not, but without any hesitation Claude immediately pretended to not understand, making a gesture and a kind of grunt and shrug like saying "huh?"
The mugger very promptly and kindly informed him louder he had a gun and to hand over their money.
"huh? what? I ave ..ear...can you eak loude" said Claude imitating his very best hearing-aid-missing deaf person while pointing at his own ear. And also, incidentally you know, stepping close enough to the mugger...
"Your money! I have a gun!" Said the visibly more frustrated mugger...
"I ..ant ear.." Step. Closer.
And now he was close enough and with lightning quick movement Claude pinned the man's hidden arm to the mugger's body with one hand and promptly began punching him with the other. He got in a couple of good shots before the mugger eeled his way out of Claude's grip (which in itself is quite a feat) and using all of his God given Kenyan (or wherever it was) genes, made an attempt on Ben Johnson's record.
Claude and his manager (we'll call him Brian) returned to the hotel disappointed and still not feeling quite up to dinner. Not to be dissuaded from taking their eveing constitutional (by Jove) and after a few minutes pondering the issue, Claude borrowed a butter knife from the hotel and returned to the park with Brian in tow (who no doubt was hired by Claude as a manager due to his unswerving loyalty if not his sense of self-preservation). According to Claude they met the mugger in the same park who it appeared was not in possession of a real firearm, nevertheless, the mugger managed to hoist a rock large enough to require the use of both hands and lobbed it at Claude's head. Probably because Claude was busy approaching the mugger with a decidedly educational intent writ large on his face.
Claude managed to duck most of the large rock but was scratched on the head by it. The mugger did not manage to duck most of Claude however and after a slight but very educational regimen of corporal punishment the mugger was made to undress. He was sent on his way naked and a little worse for wear due to Claude having rather thickset hands.
On return to the hotel all the mugger's wordly possessions were handed to the hotel security guard as a gift.
****
This tradition of creating impromptu nudists runs deep in my family line. Maybe it's a Venetian thing. My own father for a couple of years basically looked after the concerns of one of his only employers. This for a time essentially consisted of living in a place with no electricity located in a farm on the border with South Africa on the Limpopo. The farm was huge. You could walk several days in a straight line and not reach the end of it. It had large populations of Impala, warthogs, at least one or two leopards, lots of jackals and many other creatures.
Poachers from South Africa would regularly set traps in the bush and my father patrolled the farm regularly with myself and my brother in tow. Though we all had guns, as a family we were raised on sound hunting principles. We have always eaten anything we hunted, regardless of whether it flew, swam, crawled or slithered and generally we did not hunt animals beyond what we needed for food from time to time. My brother and I would shoot a bird now and then or a squirrel and my dad would shoot a gazelle from time to time. And snakes. There were lots of those fuckers and they were mostly deadly ones so we didn't have any kind of truce with snakes in general. Once we found a cobra in the same room with my baby sister, and I got stung by a scorpion in the face, but that's other stories. Anyway, the point was that although he hunted in the farm, my dad cannot be faulted in his overall running of the farm. The populations of animals were healthy and it was well run. I saw the contrast years later when a British couple took over that task and the wife of the guy was (as so many English women seem to be) somewhat obsessed at wanting to prove how she was just better at being a man than men were and what a good shot she was and so on, that she decimated the animal population of that place by shooting so many animals in any given year that it actually affected the overal populations. And she was still a pretty shit shot anyway.
But I digress.
Dad's patrols invariably turned up snares, which were not only illegal (we have never as a family cared much for laws one way or the other) both as a hunting method as well as because it was on property not belonging to the poachers, but more importantly it was cruel. More than once we came up on some emanciated carcass of an animal that had been caught in a snare and died a horrible, painful and drawn out death.
My father took to carrying pliers with him as well as the rifle on his patrols so he could cut down the metal wires and traps.
over a period of a few weeks we noticed an intensification of the traps and they were replaced quickly with brand new ones along animal paths. So dad decided to set a trap for the poachers and waited for them. They showed up.
He held them at gunpoint, made them strip naked including their shoes and sent them back over the river at a run, because after a few meters of gingerly walking he got tired of waiting for them and shot above their heads a few times to motivate their gynnic exhuberance. On his return to the house, all the clothes and shoes were donated to Madala (which was not really his name, but just a word that means Old Man in the Tswana. The man really was ancient. My dad once tried to figure out when he was born by asking him questionsa bout historical events and his best guess was that the old man was at least 90 years old and was born sometime towards the end of the 19th century).
I have several more stories along this line, mostly because of the type of people I know I suppose, but they do always give me a warm feeling and a renewed hope for humanity. As long as there are people mugging the muggers, robbing the robbers and basically making a whole bunch of thieves run around naked and in fear, the world still has hope. Now if I could just get down to Canary Wharf armed with a machine gun and exercise some of that very same creativity on the city's bankers without subsequently being thrown in jail for the next half-century, there would be a lot less credit crunch in the future. And you could practically re-clothe the whole of Burundi too.
Few things are more fun than going Nigerian on a Nigerian scam.
I received this:
Which frankly would be very nice since I am in the midst of changing/quitting job. However it does not take a genius to google this stuff and realise it is just yet another spammy scam.
So I told my brother (we like to laugh at these things and political manifestos) and blind copied him into the reply I sent them which was:
Your information has been passed on to the local authorities in Johannesburg for verification and your ISP will be notified to hand over registration details.
Good luck.
My brother must be having a slow day because shortly afterwards I got this e-mail from him:
I just called the number and got an answering machine. I left them a message that “We are from the South African Fraud Division in JHB and that we have tracked them down from the information given through their ISP and Cell Phone. They should hand themselves in to the nearest Police station and avoid further jail time as ‘Fugitive Status’. As the UK now currently requires Visas for South Africans and with the 2010 world cup, we take these scams very seriously and prosecuted individuals will be jailed for a term of up to 5years and/or fined up to R100 000 per individual. If convicted under fugitive status, they will be sentenced to a term no less than 20 years and fined R500 000 per individual. Have a nice day”
BWAHAHAHAHA!
The funny thing is I can just see the scammers actually fretting about this and thinking just to be safe they had better change numbers and maybe service providers...hahahahahah!!
Made my day anyway.
If my brother and I ever live on the same continent and actually start working together I think world domination cannot be too far off. He'll probably want China though...he has a thing for Asian girls. I suppose as long as I get South America and Russia it's worth it.
They keep hijacking my stat counter thing. I don't really care, but it's the principle of it.
It seems Vox is really lax with this kind of stuff. And I know I am not he only one affected. Anyone has any ideas on how to stop the spammers? In this last case it seemed to be GoDaddy that hijacked it...(really?) at least it seemed to have been replaced by a GoDaddy advert.
Anyway.
I put another one up. let's see how long this one lasts.
When I become a multimilionaire slave owner and default ruler of this pitiful planet of yours I shall hire armies of hackers to track down spammers and people who send chain-emails right from the root cause and those root causes will be flayed alive while working in Siberian salt-mines. Naked.
The zap-gun is too good for these scum. At best they deserve a zap-gun pistol-whipping to death. They are not worthy of the mercyfully quick and pure blaster bolt to the face.
