So on Saturday we went to do some shopping as we were getting ready to move her into my place and one of the things we bought is a bunch of toilet rolls in a huge plastic holder. We're walking down the street, she has a couple of plastic bags and I am carrying the huge bunch of toilet rolls. After a while the most comfortable way to carry it is to hold the plastic container on each side with one hand and let the rest of it flop behind me with each step, so it looks like I have a giant tail. Naturally this gets me to thinking...
Me: Wouldn't it be cool if we had tails?
Her: Tails?!? hahah...like which kind...
Me: I dunno...maybe like fat ones like beavers...
Her: Hahahaha
Me: it would be cool, maybe you could have a prensile one you know, like monkeys...
Her: Hmmmm...no, no, think how expensive it would be....if we had tails then there would be tail-styling....highlights for your tail...
Me: Hahahahah!!
Her: Really, think about it...Blue tails are in this season, then the highlights, then there would be tail piercings....it would cost you two or three times what it costs now to go get a haircut...
Me: (struggling to talk as I'm laughing too much)
Her: And besides, if we had tails it would just be one more body-part men would not wash so often...
Me: Hahahaha!! Ewww...gross...hahahah!
Her: Yeah, already they are dodgy as it is, if they had tails men would just be even more disgusting....you'd have to make sure their tails are cleaned before you could have proper sex with them...
Me: Hahahah, well I'm clean, my tail would be spotless...
Her: Yeah, but darling, most men...eww...no, no, the cost, the tail fashion, the lack of male tail hygene....no, tails would not be cool...
Me: Hahhaah (stomach starting to hurt from laughing)
Her: Besides, you couldn't have sex properly...tails would get in the way, in the heat of the moment, you'd get your tail twisted...or what if you want to be done from behind, have to lift the tail to get it out the way....or if you're about to give a blowjob, move the tail and it's not washed properly...no, no...it's better we don't have tails....
Me: (still catching my breath) Heheh...you know babe, it's so cool to be able to discuss these topics of high philosophical quality with someone who truly understands the deeper dimensions of them...
So she's all moved in now and we had a cool Xmas with just the two of us, bed, food, called our respective families, opened a bunch of presents and it's 2.40am now and she's watching the Bourne Supremacy on TV while I write this.
Oh yeah: And she wanted to get a cool two-player game for a PS or X-Box, but I haven't had time to even use the old PS2 I have....and wasn't really planning on getting a game console you have to upgrade whenever Sony/Microsoft decides they want more cash. Then again. I didn't have someone that could discuss the cons of tails with me before.
If she's into games like IGI and maybe Star Wars Galaxies I just may have to upgrade that old PS2.
One of the coolest of life's joys is discovering new sexual pleasures even when you are as far down the road to perdition and hellfire as I undoubtedly am according to some Calvinistic Christians.
As I spent all of my youthful sexual life with basically one girl (except when we were on a break. (Yeah, I was very clear about that whole "being on a break" thing from the start, unlike that infamous episode of Friends)) when that relationship ended I was lead to believe (by incompetent human social "reality") that my libido at over 30 would not be like that of when I was 19.
Well. That little theory got shot out the window pretty fast when I met and married another woman and basically spent the first year and a half having sex several times a day, every day.
And we didn't even get along actually from about month one of that 4 years of hell. When that relationship ended too (Thank you oh mercyful God! May a Billion Souls sing your ineffable name in the vault of Heaven) the next one I entered into was a really weird one for me.
The sex was something I can only describe as sublime. It was a spiritual experience more than a physical one. And though I did not even know it until then, my body lacked for nothing through these rather etheric sexual encounters. The next one was a mixture of both spiritual and physical and actually made me experience not only the same sexual appetite as when I was 19, but also some extremely powerful emotional releases. That girl was a kind of spiritual whore. But I mean it in the good way. Amazingly good in bed, free in her spirit, and also really smart and empathic (when she wanted to be). Real pity about the scrambled eggs she had for self-esteem/brains/social dynamics though.
In between these women I also had a number of short lived encounters, from all of which I invariably learnt something. One thing that kept coming up was that actually, sexual apetite/ability to have multiple orgasms in a few hours etc etc did not actually seem to be related to age or even physical condition, but are in fact more tied to the sexual attraction the girl I was with generated in me or me in her (which after a while is the same thing really).
Eventually I decided that relationships was just one way to live and I have been single ever since though not lacking in female presence when I want some. And here I learnt that actually my libido seems to be possibly more, rather than less than when I was in my early 20s, as is my endurance for it too. Honestly, most of the "accepted" theories of what is or isn't "possible" sexually speaking for a man are just so much bullshit.
***
Redhead Girl is into Yoga, chakra energies, and all that, and asked me if I knew about Tantric sex. I'm sure all you perverts know all about it, but in case some hermit from a Tibetan monastery is reading this after his first hook-up with the 'net: Tantric Sex is basically this thing where the guy controls his orgasm, so that his peak experience does not actually result in ejaculation, though the sensation is said to be just as pleasing and be a "whole body" orgasm as opposed to just an ejaculation orgasm.
Supposedly this is a good thing because it allows the guy to perform for longer, more frequently, etc. The reality in my experience is that having a Tantric orgasm is kinda... meh...
Besides, why would you need to have a Tantric orgasm? Now if you ask a Yogi, or any number of Vegan, Tree-hugging, New-Age Hippies, they will go on about Conservation of Kundalini energy, retention of a pure aura, the purity of the spiritual dimensions of sex and so on and so forth. My take on it is that the weak bastards just can't:
1.) Make the woman orgasm before or as often as they do, meaning they need Tantric Sex to be able to satisfy her and
2.) They can't ejaculate a dozen times a day. I mean...if you have the sperm...why not produce it? I tell you it's just part of this whole New Economy thing. People are just avaricious on every level these days!
Besides I have yet to meet a woman that can orgasm herself into double digits in a day and still be sexually hungry (I am sure they exist, I just haven't met one like that)
Anyway, my answer to her was, that yeah, I know about it...and ...meh... which made her laugh. We also have managed to give each other some reciprocal rather unique and surprising experiences sexually speaking, which of course is both surprising (especially considering the kind of sluts we have both been in our lives) and pleasing. So much so that it may well be the first time that I have achieved that mythical state most people only dream about.
You know...the one where sex just doesn't become an issue anymore.
It's always like that. If the sex is great, then it no longer becomes an issue. Of course if the sex is bad...then there ARE no other issues worth thinking about.
So I notice things like her way of processing new information. Or the kind of food she likes. Or even, you know... if she has a new pair of earrings on. Stuff that normally I would only have seen, now I actually notice. That is I find they tell me more about her and... I am not star-struck. I am not giddy in that heady way that made me get married. I can see reality here. I am not lost in illusion. It's a very sober view and very beautiful too. It's calm and not based on any "need" to be with her or in a relationship or any of that. It's very much a conscious thing. A choice. And it is a very new and different thing we are both experiencing, this level of choice and awareness. It seems we have both come to it by having indulged enough in other people and sexual encounters that we have learnt to separate basic lust and sex from more refined sentiments or events.
Still, of course, it's nice to have some kinky, spontaneous, sexual surprises you wouldn't have imagined possible for your body to do/feel/experience to play with as we explore this new dimension.
So yes. This Xmas is a kind of tribute to the old pagan gods of froliking on one level, and also simultaneously, a tribute to the more refined, yet no less penetrating experience of (true) Christian concept of love.
Redhead girl is moving in tomorrow.
A little preamble before the story...
Some of you who have read this blog from the start will no doubt have noticed a tendency for my appreciation of the female form. Now I like to take on big projects, like annexing planet Earth, finding a hyperspace capable spaceship, and figuring out Earth females. So far I'm having the most success with the last one and though the research is gruelling work, someone has to do them it.
Anyway, due to luck, divine order or possibly just my sexy Martian antennae, though I did start a little late, due to my growing up on the Earth equivalent of the Tatooine desert, I never really had problems getting with pretty girls. In part maybe because I got with one right at the start and pretty much stuck with her for a long time. And I never felt I was missing out on anything in the time I was with her, which was some 13 years. We broke up a couple of times and I saw some other woman or two in that time but perhaps because I am obviously not human, I have always had a very clear on/off switch when it comes to both lust and "love".
When that relationship ended, I kind of thought hey, if that didn't work...nothing ever will and then less than six months later I was married. I know what you're thinking....wow...bad rebound! But no. It was never about rebounds for me. It was just the right person to marry. Now, the actual marriage thing was a god-awful disaster, but the process was necessary. As were the next two relationships after that one fell through. And curiously enough so was the odd-weird, can't-explain-it-without-having-to-discuss-metaphysical-concepts-most-people-assume-are-bullshit very brief encounter I had with another woman when I was still married.
Yeah, I know terrible. But I did tell my then wife when I got home. It didn't go down very well but it wasn't actually the reason we divorced ultimately. And I honestly don't know who that process was most painful for. I don't mean the divorce. I mean that 3 days I spent inside another woman. I know I wouldn't want to go through that experience again for any reason on this planet that didn't involve the painful death of people I love. And were blood relatives. And siblings. Well, ok, that weren't my brother or sister then.
Each of these relationships was necessary. And whilst the blur of women that happened with ever increasing frequency between relationships may seem callous to the Calvinists among you, the fact is they were necessary events too. And not just for me I might add. Some of those women have got back in touch with me even years later to say thank you for the time I spent with them, which in a shocking number of some cases, was only days. Some have since got married and got in touch with me just before or just after their weddings to express these rather touching sentiments. Now I tell you this because the point here that Earthlings seem to miss is that all this playing with other bodies is not per se a bad thing if done in the right way. In fact if done the right way, casual, "meaningless" sex should be fun and actually deeply liberating, which is in itself a meaningful event in your life. On an evolved planet we would have no problem being with our chosen partner for life and also occassionally fucking senseless any pretty, healthy stranger that took our fancy. It would be a better world Earthlings. Trust me it would.
For one it wouldn't be all that different from this world but the absence of the subterfuge and lying and self-loathing and jealousy in the psychic eather of the globe would make this place instantly unrecognisable.
And the crazies and stalkers would be more instantly recognisable as unhealthy people you do not want to get involved with too, meaning they eventually would die out due to natural selection. As would ugly people presumably. See? it would be a better world I tell you.
But I digress. The point of this preamble to my story if you like is that in getting to Bibblically know enough people, you also begin to appreciate (if you are observant, honest and don't get unnecessarily caught up in your powerful emotions) your own weaknesses of character, your lacunae of judgement. Your crazy, and your fucked-up parts. And if you step up to them each time and basically fix those things that need fixing, by the end of it you actually start to become a healthy human being.
Most of the people I ever met who I really respect and like and think well of, either are, or have been, utter sluts.
There is a difference though between a dirty slag and an intelligent slut. And if you don't know what it is, then you're probably the former. And you probably also carry disease.
Nothing, I think, helps develop you as a man as relationships and combat. Sometimes these two activities seem interchangeable, and that is when you know you need to fix some stuff. Once you start to get it right then relationships can become a rather pleasant form of sparring and some non-life-threatening combat also begins to feel like a type of loving communion.
The point is, as a man, I think if you do not learn to appreciate women then you are a failure. I don't mean you need to have sex with lots of women to be a "man". In my experience there is no direct relationship between number of sexual partners and level of evolution. I DO think there IS a relationship between number of times you had a realtionship and paid attention and your level of evolution, but then that is true of any life experience. Pay attention and invariably reality teaches you some useful shit that's good to know.
***
So. I see this site advertising a seminar with a world-renowned hypnotist. This guy is an octagenarian but still in full possession of his mental faculties and generally renowned as an expert in the field of hypnosis. Now I don't make much of a fuss about the things that I know a lot about, because to my mind, the more you know, the more you realise you still have a lot to learn. At some point, the need to speak on certain issues is natural when you also realise a lot of people around you benefit from your knowledge in that area or whatever. That said, I have met and worked with some of the top hypnotists in the world. And as a hypnotist I have achieved some things that I am unaware of anyone else being able to achieve. As well as a number of things which are personally satifying, so I feel I have a little knowledge on this point. At the same time, this guy was somewhat of a contemporary of Milton Erickson, which though revered, I also think was very misunderstood. In fact the trend (as fashions do) has swung both ways and people have gone from making a cult of Ericksonian hypnosis to dissing it alltogether. For my part I think Erickson was a genius, but his genius is rather well masked. And intentionally so at that, which in itself is a stroke of genius. Erickson has had a profound (and mostly beneficial) effect on the entire planet, but like that other genius who changed the world (Nikola Tesla), most people have no real idea of who he was or indeed what this change even is.
This old man had lived at a time when Erickson was still practicing and had knowledge of him. So I wrote to him. I could not attend his seminar because of work commitments but I wrote to say I would have very much welcomed the chance to speak with him or meet at some point. He very graciously accepted to meet with me over lunch one day, which I thought was very nice of him.
He was indeed a very nice man and once we settled to lunch we just begun to talk in general terms. We discussed some other hypnotists and he gave his opinions concerning them, which I noted. He agreed with my own assesment of the guy I originally learnt hypnosis from as being both a very ethical as well as competent hypnotist, and then he made his pronouncement on two others, one of whom he had not met (but I have) and he said he thought that person dishonest and reprehensible. I actually met this individual and I would say he is neither. What he does is unorthodox, and he walks his own path, but he is not malicious. Furthermore I would say he is honest and a power for good. But I see how some people who are not familiar with him and his work might assume otherwise. The fact is, until you try out stuff for yourself you really only have invalid opinions.
The third hypnotist we both have spoken to but I have met her and worked with her a little and here is where we again disagreed. He said he thought this woman dishonest and a fraud. He brought up the example of how she was a fraud because she says she can give you orgasms by just touching your hand.
Now... as it happens I knew exactly what he was talking about, because this is one of the techniques she taught me. My skill as a hypnotist was already quite well developed then in any case, so the very first time I tried it which was in a room full of people and on a middle aged, rather severe looking woman of a very dignified sort and also of a cultural background that generally would if anything frown upon these sort of practices (i.e. in some respects not the ideal subject you'd pick), after 3 minutes she suddenly pulled her hand away from me, whilst squeezing her thighs together in her business suit and eyelids fluttering a little and breath suspended, she re-composed herself and apologised for her brusque movement with little girl eyes gone all gooey saying: "I'm sorry...it's just...I...I...if you carried on for another few seconds I would have ...come...and...I don't really...feel comfortable doing that here...now..." which was a perfectly acceptable reason. Fact is, that the woman hypnotist I learnt this technique from was no fraud nor a liar and I have done that technique myself and it works. The fact he assumed it would not seemed odd to me.
I kept quiet mostly out of respect for his age. But alarm bells had started sounding off.
We continued talking and for some reason the conversation came round to women (I honestly do not think it was me that did this, I know you cynics will not believe this, but honest to god, I had really a lot of other things I wanted to ask and find out about, women really never was something I needed to learn all that much more about from anyone else) but thinking about it I think it started because he mentioned his wife and I asked how long he had been married and it was over 40 years, which is longer than I have been alive so I complimented him on it or something and before I knew it we were discussing relationships and women in general.
Anyway at some point he claimed that if you had 20 good years of marriage then you had done well in life, because basically women after a while were just "a mop of hair with pillows (tits) on the front".
At that moment I felt actually very sad for this man. Shortly after that he began to tell me, very openly and honestly about his life and his relationship with women, and how he had struggled with them having had older friends who had sex when he still was a virgin and not knowing how to go about it, and then later being afraid of rejection, and being in fact rejected because he thought he was not an attractive man (he was not particularly unattractive I have to say, and even at his age he carried himself in a very dignified manner). And only later in life realising he actually looked fine. And though i never saw his wife I got the jist that his second wife (the one he's still with) was his era's equivalent of the hot party-type. Attractive, popular, socially aware and so on.
He mentioned how the sexual urge left after a certain age and basically conversation with women was not as interesting as with men. Again I felt sad for him.
I thanked him for his time and left with him some hard to find experiments on hypnosis I had researched and copied for him as a way of saying thank you. He had not heard of it before and it was results that differed from what most hypnotists will get with those type of experiments, so it was new for him, which I felt pleased about.
When we said our goodbyes I thought about him and our meeting and I thanked God from the bottom of my heart that I was not him and never would be. I honestly gave thanks for my trials and tribulations. May they never be what his are.
I love women.
I love everything about them. Even the impossibly crazy militant feminists ones with violent lesbian tendencies are preferable to having NO women on the planet. If nothing else they make interesting research subjects on "what can go wrong for women if they do not get enough good quality dick in the right way and at the right time".
As for the more well-adjusted and pretty females...well. I love them. Obviously you cannot have the same kind of depth of conversation of the same type with a woman than you do with a man.
A really meaningful, deep conversation with a man leads to a kinship, a brotherly kind of sensation of love and loyalty, and honour. A brothers in arms type of feeling.
A really meaningful, deep conversation with a woman leads to great sex, and possibly a good relationship too. Or at the very least to some seriously heavy flirting and the promise that if only circumstances allowed...we would be having sweaty, nasty, no-holds barred sex right now.
Now I have some amazingly healthy genes, so I am pretty sure even at age 85 I'll be still going strong, but even if (God seriously forbid!) I should lose the ability to have sex, I would still love women. The way they smell, the way they move, the way they dance or smile. The way they touch you. The way a woman that cares about you massaging anything from your hand to your whole body is really a kind of bliss you cannot get from any other source than a woman. And all the ways they need a man too of course all go even more to making me love them. Besides, even if for some reason my dick vanished (again, God seriously forbid. Take my brain if you must, but not my dick ok?!?) that would not be a reason for me to stop giving women orgasms. I love seeing a woman cum so hard she practically nearly passes out (or does). The Calvinists among you, those shocked by such images or admissions...I only have one thing to say to you. Go fuck yourselves. Seriously. Which, people like that anyway have to; because really, they are by default, wankers.
There are few things in life as amazing as the rapport you have with another human being, and while this can and does take many forms, the one involving sexual rapport between a man and a woman is in a class all its own.
And you cannot in my opinion truly experience this unless you truly appreciate the woman in question, no matter who she is or for how long, in that moment, you need to be able to truly, really, honestly, appreciate her. Then...well then it's magical. I love everything about it. And again, you cannot have experienced this and not learn to appreciate women in general (and some women in (very much so) particular).
I cannot imagine getting to be 90+ years old and being bitter or feeling women are nothing more than a mop of hair with tits. How utterly tragic. My only worry (if any) is that at 90+ years of age I might still have so much energy that I might end up with a 30 year old that rewrites my will. But hey...if I don't have any heirs she will have earned it, so fuck it. In reality I don't have much of a worry about anything.
I saw a girl on the train today and she was probably something between 18 and 24 and so fresh-faced and just pretty. A natural kind of pretty where you just want to see her smile cause man, you'd remember it all day long. And I thought about it and wondered...hey wouldn't you want to be 20 again knowing what you know now and just get to know her? And actually...no. No because it's stupid. The only reason I know what I know now is because when I was 20 I made the choices I did then. And I have always lived my life. Sometimes it's hard but man I never get bored. And I have seen and done more than most men ever will in a life or even two. And I'm not even half-way through mine, in fact, in some ways, the best is yet to come. I look forward to learning (eventually, cause it will take me some other 30 years or so to learn) to age gracefully. Which in my case probably means making my punches flow more, and making the drawing and firing on young hoodies to be gracefull as well as lightning quick. Possibly using an old single-action revolver so I can make use of the lost art of fanning.*
Besides, I would have to teach that little girl all the kinky sex stuff all over again from the start, and man I only have so many years on this planet. Besides, their damn husbands never so much as send me a thank you card at Xmas. Ungrateful bastards.
*For you philistines, this is when on a single-action revolver (cow-boy gun to the uneducated) you hold the trigger finger in while rapidly cocking the hammer with the other hand in a "fanning" motion so as to shoot supposedly faster than having to cock the gun each time. (PS it doesn't work well in real life actually)
So Goob has this pathetic post that's neighbourhood only....and I had to answer it, but it was so long it was really a post in itself, so here it is*
The Goob's post:
" I've been with high maintenance girls for most of the time.
Girls with brand names tattooed to the inside of their eyelids. Girls who could tell you after a quick 2 second glance at a strangers hand bag whether it was a knock-off or last season.
The blonde is nothing like this.
I mean she wears nice stuff don't get me wrong, but she's not really into the Gucci's, the Prada's, the LV's etc etc. Which is very weird, I was asking her what the range would be where if I spent over that amount she would get a little weirded out. She didn't want to say cause she's a little uncomfortable talking about stuff like that... so I said a number which was in my opinion, if she spent beyond that amount on my present I was going to get weirded out.
My number is apparently bat fuck insane crazy.
Whats that handbag shop in Chatswood Chase? The one in the corner? On the second level? Anyone know? I'm thinking one of those things."
And my response:
*shakes head in disappointed fashion* I had such hopes for you Goob-Goob. *pokes at scorpion with spear point absent-mindedly* Here I thought you had begun to understand about manly things like this and now I find you he-hawing about the price of presents... tsk tsk. I don't know what to do with you really. I'd send you out there with a pointy stick to kill a lion or two but it's clear this Spartan way would just get a lion well-fed. I really need to write the next book I suppose. Caveman theory. Yeah... guys like you really need it. See..the thing is...you should be doing things to her in bed that basically re-wire her brain so you could give her a needle for Xmas and she'd be like "Oh my GOD! Thank you so much! It's what I always wanted, now I can use this to mend your socks!! You're so cool, I love you!" Women are actually simple creatures once you understand their brains do not (and never will) work like those of men. Really all women want is just really good dick. Now...if attached to that good dick there happens to be a half-reasonable guy who doesn't do things like crap in bed because he's an alcholic drunk, cheat on her constantly, rob old ladies for a living, she'll then generally put up with bearing his children. One of the things that will however rot any chance you have of such long-term bliss as we all deep down long for, is your becoming a pussy. Or in your case...remain one. Let me elucidate a bit. My upcoming best-seller (all in my head for now) is called caveman theory for a reason. Think caveman. Did Ug ask Ugga " hey babe, what do you want for dinner sometime this week"? Well did he Goob? NO! No he did not. Ug went out there and killed a whole fucking mammoth by himself, then cut it up and dragged it back to the cave. And Ugga was happier than a kitten with a ball of wool. Whilst your survival as a genetic specimen is surprising (I blame genetic engineering personally), you are in the fortunate position of not having to go and kill a mammoth. What you have to do instead is take the mammoth killing attitude to your gift-giving. Which means...if Ug only saw a rabbit that week, he still killed it and dragged it back to the cave, cause the important thing was eating and feeding his pretty Ugga. So. You been with her a month or so, this should be enough time for you to actually know whether you might pro-create with her down the line, so knowing what she likes should be easy. Oh...and cut out the "don't hurt me with your big Viking axe" routine...really. No woman gets excited at the thought of her guy being such a wuss she could pound his ass to death with an axe. that funny look she gives you when you do it...it's not endearing...it's her thinking: "Oh my God is he Gay?!!? Not again...I couldn't take this again...what's wrong with me?!?!?" So man up. Take her skiing. Or buy her a shockingly expensive gift of gold and diamonds and scattered pearls. It doesn't matter. But do it because: 1. You WANT to, and 2. NOT to impress/be cool/be politically correct. If you WANT to blow 3 months salary on a fur coat made from the softest baby-seal hides, then DO IT. As long as it's YOU... she's gonna find out sooner or later that you're into skinning baby seals, so might as well get that little part of your personality in straight away. If on the other hand you're a tight-fisted, or just broke-ass poor bastard, then go steal a nice bunch of flowers from a grave or something and give it to her. Silently knowing you risked jail-time and also eternal damnation in the fires of hell, but hey....it was worth it. And besides...again...I return to the bedroom. She should not even be remembering her own name most days, because she should be thinking with her pussy 24/7 right now....(pussies are not good at verbal cognition, I know, surprising really given their predilection for a certain brand of "linguistics"). Maybe there's hope yet though. You did manage to transfer that cigarette smoking into an oral fixation right? Come on Goob. You're like my test case. I'm hoping to regenerate the whole hoodie culture next. (Mostly by getting them to volounteer to clear land-mines...but details, details....)
Editorial note: Hush. Cutting and pasting is easier than just re-writing a whole post...
* Yeah, don't freak out, I asked him if it was ok for me to post this. Which prompted him to reply thus:
"Re: permission to post
My widget counter suffered a death due to some weirdness that may have been a hack of some sort.
So I have a new widget. You will notice this one writes in red because he's pissed off they killed the other one just before it hit 7000 visitors.
Damn.
And I know no one will read the whole thing on Human rights with the possible exception of Patricia, cause she's weird like that, having retained her ability to focus for longer than a hip-hop chorus.
Yeah Earthlings, zap gun is set on deep-fried today.
Today is Human Rights Day and the 60th anniversary of The Universal Declaration of Human Rights. What human right do you value most?
Mostly my right to say that the whole document is riddled with factual errors, drawn up by largely incompetent people, whose authority I do not recognise in the least. Being as indeed I ascribe to Spooner's idea that any law I do not specifically sign up to, nor any body I specifically do not pledge alegiance to, has essentially, no authority over me other than that which they can and do enjoy purely by the means of using force or the threat of it to get me to comply with their "laws".
The Declaration of human rights itself is anyway littered with factual and logical errors, so even if we ignore the fact that it comes from people whose authority we do not recognise to begin with, it still makes for a piss-poor document.
Allow me to elucidate whilst playing devil's advocate, as well as hopefully making this supposedly "important" document more entertaining to digest.
Article 1
All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.
Patently false - Try being born in squallor and poverty of say an African ghetto and see how much dignity you grow up with when your environment is not in the least conducive to even the word, never mind giving you a sense of it. It follows your reason will also be lacking and your conscience be a rather small voice if you even have it all. In any case its puny ramblings will be drowned out by the animal hunger that will drive you to rob and kill if necessary in the struggle for mere survival.
All we could logically say is that all human beings should (at least in idealistic theory) have all the same rights. We do not all have the same dignity from birth. We should, but dignity is largely a matter of environment rather than an "inalianable" right. It stems from social conscience and is not inalianable in the human form or even in the human spirit, since part of dignity at least comes from how we behave with the world, not just how the world behaves with us.
Article 2
Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.
Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.
Ok as far as it goes, but I am suspicious of the fact it does not even mention people who do not recognise the authority of the very concept of governments and hence nations.
Article 3
Everyone has the right to life, liberty and security of person.
It's a nice idea but it fails to mention that those three right end when you threaten or actively take the life, liberty or security of another at least in proportin to how far you encroach upon them and possibly more than that.
Article 4
No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.
I notice it does not however outlaw servitude. Which is a clue at least that your 9-5 job is not slavery see? You don't WANT to live like this, you kinda have to if you want to eat and shit like that, but it's nt slavery exactly see? it's more like servitude. And mostly to another serf. So it's cool. You're not slaving away. You're serfing away, and that's only one dyselxic letter away from surfing so be cool man. Be happy. Don't rock the boat with communistic ideas man...just chill. And Serf.
Article 5
No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.
As judged by whom?
I for one think the imposition of non-volountary taxes on people for services they make no use of nor ever will make use of is a form of degrading treatment compounded by the fear and mental torture of the threat of imprisonment if you refuse to pay it.
Article 6
Everyone has the right to recognition everywhere as a person before the law.
Oh mahw Gawd! So much wrong with this one here sentence it makes my Martian brain spin.
If you take away my right does that mutate me into a bug? A cockroach? A Martian? Is it stupid and irrelevant to say I am a person before the law... but not away from it? Just a tad? You think?!?!
And again...what if I do not recognise the authority of that same-said law you keep ass-uming I will just sheeple my way into accepting as an inevitable fact and part of life, like say, breathing oxygen, when it patently is an artificial construct (and often malevolent too)?
Article 7
All are equal before the law and are entitled without any discrimination to equal protection of the law. All are entitled to equal protection against any discrimination in violation of this Declaration and against any incitement to such discrimination.
Blatant lies. Nowhere have I ever seen it that "All are equal before the law". No country or government, or society made by humans has ever achieved this anywhere. And I doubt very much it ever will. Mostly because the "law" is made by humans. Mostly by humans trying to safeguard their own interests at the expense of other humans so by its very existence, the so called "law" is itself promoting a disparity and inequality of value amongst different sectors of humanity.
Article 8
Everyone has the right to an effective remedy by the competent national tribunals for acts violating the fundamental rights granted him by the constitution or by law.
This here sentence is so convoluted it doesn't even make sense to itself. Setting aside for a moment the usual objection to assuming the "law" is even accepted as right or good, or wanted or acceptable, this article is still saying that everyone has remedy by the "competent" (hahahahah!!!) national tribunals (another bunch of self-imposed tyrants that no one ever actually agreed to be directed by, yet who nevertheless impose themselves on us) for acts violating the fundamental rights given him by the constitution or the law...which constitution you fucktards? Which law? What if the law/constution includes parts that fundamentally go against this declaration of human rights (we-ell actually all laws to that by default, but hey let's not nitpick...) are we still subject to it then?
Article 9
No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile.
Ummm...someone better tell EVERY government on Earth then. In the UK they can hold your ass for fuck knows how long without trial or reason (28 days? 42 days? I forget, but given that modern brainwashing techniques can pretty much get you to admit to being Lee Harvey Oswald in 24 hours it really doesn't make much difference does it?). In the USA they just ship you off to camp X-Ray, and so on and so forth...
Article 10
Everyone is entitled in full equality to a fair and public hearing by an independent and impartial tribunal, in the determination of his rights and obligations and of any criminal charge against him.
That would be nice. Except you don't specifically state that tribunal should be reasonbly composed of a jury of his peers, which is the only sane sort of tribunal one could reasonably be expected to be subjected to. I long for the day when this is actually you know....enforced. I can't wait to be "tried" by a jury of my peers for any future crime I might commit. I look forward to having a chat with another 12 or so people of multi-lingual ability with an IQ over 150 and extensive knowledge of diverse cultures as well as a philosphy encompasing Lysander Spooner's views on Justice. Such a bunch of ornery bastards will probably not convict me of any crime on principle and in any case would probably disagree with each other more vehemently than with my crime. Besides most of them would be living in shacks in the mountains manufacturing bombs or trying to take over the planet wouldn't they?
Article 11
- Everyone charged with a penal offence has the right to be presumed innocent until proved guilty according to law in a public trial at which he has had all the guarantees necessary for his defence.
- Such as??? I think the necessary guarantees are 10 fully armed tanks manned by my close and personal friends.
- No one shall be held guilty of any penal offence on account of any act or omission which did not constitute a penal offence, under national or international law, at the time when it was committed. Nor shall a heavier penalty be imposed than the one that was applicable at the time the penal offence was committed.
- Ugh...this is getting tiresome...the nested assumption of acceptance of the "law/s" in the first place is like a spider laying eggs in your ear and then sealing it with cobwebs and shit. Before he bites you in the eyes.
Article 12
No one shall be subjected to arbitrary interference with his privacy, family, home or correspondence, nor to attacks upon his honour and reputation. Everyone has the right to the protection of the law against such interference or attacks.
Oh my fuck. I was so happy about this one until I again read that the only protection I had from the constant invasion of privacy, rape, incarceration, theft of funds, etc etc, is by the self-same fuckers breaching it in the first place. The so called "law-makers". Kindly hand me my zap gun and photon torpedo filled starship thanks.
Article 13
- Everyone has the right to freedom of movement and residence within the borders of each State.
- Ok then, I wanna go see Area 51. I'll go there myself, now just tell all the armed soldiers there to leave me the fuck alone ok? Cool. Thanks.
- Everyone has the right to leave any country, including his own, and to return to his country.
- Like I said. Area 51. Have some tea ready too for me ok? Cool, thanks.
Article 14
- Everyone has the right to seek and to enjoy in other countries asylum from persecution.
- Ok..I keep telling you. Area 51. And I want protection from all humans. Martians, come take me home!
- This right may not be invoked in the case of prosecutions genuinely arising from non-political crimes or from acts contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations.
- Oh fuck so basically, all you just wrote above is completely and utterly invalidated by thishere point....What exactly ARE the purposes and principles of the United Nations? How can you try to subject me to these without even having the common decency to inform me of what they are? Isn't that an infringement of the basic inalianable right to not have to deal with evil fucktards trying to implant their shit into your brain directly with a hose from their asshole to your ear canal?
Article 15
- Everyone has the right to a nationality.
- Ok, I am a Martian. And I claim the whole of Mars as my nation. Now take me to your leader.
- No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his nationality nor denied the right to change his nationality.
- Good to know. Now let me know when you are ready to surrender!
Article 16
- Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.
- Could you just you know...DEFINE marriage for me first though? You fucking idiot.
- Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.
- So X shall be entered into only with free and full consent of the intending Xs. We can assume here Xs means participants, but other than that, does this sentence make any meaningful sense to anyone? And if not...are the people who wrote this complete morons who do not understand the very basics of logical thought, logical argument, the meaning of words like Axioms, premises, theory, proof/s and indeed coherence. Never mind a priori and "in bad faith"!? The answer is yes. Yes they are.
- The family is the natural and fundamental group unit of society and is entitled to protection by society and the State.
- Oh mah Gawdy Gawd! Define family. Define society, define the state. Retards.
Article 17
- Everyone has the right to own property alone as well as in association with others.
- Cool. Since Area 51 does not officially exist I claim it as my own. It will be the seat of the Martian Enclave and Imperial palace.
- No one shall be arbitrarily deprived of his property.
- Yup. It's mine. Mine, mine! Now bring me your leader.
Article 18
Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.
Uh...say you were going to OUTLAW my thoughs...just how are you planning to enforce that without killing me? Same goes for conscience and religion you FUCKTARDS!!! Jesus H. Christ. What monkey, coke-snorting, inbred moron put this pile of dog-shit together?!?!
Article 19
Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.
Oh cool. So I can freely give my opinion on how to successfully kill the current president of the USA? Is that ok with the US secret service? cause last I checked they actually arrested people for saying things like: "I am going to kill Bush". Besides which AGAIN...how on Earth are you planning to change my opinion? Mind-control rays? I have a tin-foil hat don't you know so ha-ha! I win!
Article 20
- Everyone has the right to freedom of peaceful assembly and association.
- (Except where prohibited by laws. Of course)
- No one may be compelled to belong to an association.
- So I cannot be compelled to be subject to the laws, authority and general bullshit of any government on Earth? Great. Glad we agree on ONE thing anyway.
Article 21
- Everyone has the right to take part in the government of his country, directly or through freely chosen representatives.
- Well, of course this would entail taking up arms...but hey...that's how every single government on Earth has been created, why change a winning formula. And I'm going for the whole planet actually. Fuck countries. I will take over the whole planet then sell it to the nearest human-eating carnviorous alien reptiles willing to give me a good starship.
- Everyone has the right to equal access to public service in his country.
- Everyone has the right to zero. Zero times zero = zero. Yeah...
- The will of the people shall be the basis of the authority of government; this will shall be expressed in periodic and genuine elections which shall be by universal and equal suffrage and shall be held by secret vote or by equivalent free voting procedures.
- BUT WHY?!?!? WHY are you ASSuming I even WANT to be part of the utter ball of shit that is all government?
- I declare myself an indipendent roaming state. Now leave me the fuck alone lest I declare war on you...oh wait...too late!
Article 22
Everyone, as a member of society, has the right to social security and is entitled to realization, through national effort and international co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each State, of the economic, social and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality.
Let's read that again using defined terms shall we kiddies?:
"Everyone, as a member of X has the right to X security and is entitled to X, through X effort and X co-operation and in accordance with the organization and resources of each X, of the economic, X and cultural rights indispensable for his dignity and the free development of his personality".
Makes for fluent reading huh? Much like diarreah makes for fluent flow...
Article 23
- Everyone has the right to work, to free choice of employment, to just and favourable conditions of work and to protection against unemployment.
- I am speechless. The number of idiocies in this sentence alone make it eminently clear that this planet has very few thinking creatures on it that actually understand the consequences of just spouting off brain-farts as though they had honest to God actual objective value.
- Free choice of employment? Ok then. I want to be emperor for life.
- The right to work? Again...remind me...how are you going to stop me from actually doing work if I want to other than kill me? Just and favourable conditions of work? This assuming the very condition of employment (which is clearly what they mean here instead of the word they use "work") under a situation governed by governments, unchosen by me in any way shape or form and subject to their "laws" is to begin with just. Or favourable. (Well ok, favourable to me that is. Obviously it's favourable to them)
- Everyone, without any discrimination, has the right to equal pay for equal work.
- Ummm...actually no. Apart from the fact they are misusing the word work when they mean employment, the fact is if I hire you and you are willing to work for me for less than i pay Tom, then too bad. But hey, no worries, if you don't like it go choose your perfect job, you know, with that "right" to free choice of employment...
- Everyone who works has the right to just and favourable remuneration ensuring for himself and his family an existence worthy of human dignity, and supplemented, if necessary, by other means of social protection.
- God...ad nauseam....work is not equal to employment. Get a fucking dictionary people!
- Everyone has the right to form and to join trade unions for the protection of his interests.
- Sure. And I have the right to not employ anyone who is part of one.
Article 24
Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay.
You know...are you sta-aarting to get the picture now? Basically the UN charter of human rights is the "document" for the serfdom it is supposed to apply to. You have a right to a too weak vacation....jesus
Article 25
- Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.
- Motherhood and childhood are entitled to special care and assistance. All children, whether born in or out of wedlock, shall enjoy the same social protection.
- It should be obvious by now. Basically, you the sheeple have the right to be put into pens and fleeced of your souls. This is your RIGHT! Enjoy it!
Article 26
- Everyone has the right to education. Education shall be free, at least in the elementary and fundamental stages. Elementary education shall be compulsory. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit.
- Define Education. Define Generally. Oh yeah...and tell me who is paying for it. Oh wait...what me? even if I don't want to use your "edu-cashion"?
- Education shall be directed to the full development of the human personality and to the strengthening of respect for human rights and fundamental freedoms. It shall promote understanding, tolerance and friendship among all nations, racial or religious groups, and shall further the activities of the United Nations for the maintenance of peace.
- So education is made for the furthering of the UN. Good to know they admit they are brainwashing you for their own ends. Not that most people would notice. What with being brainwashed and all.
- Parents have a prior right to choose the kind of education that shall be given to their children.
- So this actually invalidates all of the above anyway. Define children.
Article 27
- Everyone has the right freely to participate in the cultural life of the community, to enjoy the arts and to share in scientific advancement and its benefits.
- You know...I don't want to be a paranoid Martian or anything but your continual "giving me the right" to do things you can only prevent me from doing by killing me is starting to make me feel a little uneasy about your whole "human rights" shtick...
- Everyone has the right to the protection of the moral and material interests resulting from any scientific, literary or artistic production of which he is the author.
- Define moral interests. PUH-LEEZE define it. Ok Try. Come on. I'll even let you use a dictionary. pretty please? go ahead. Really. I'd like you to try.
- Oh...yeah...DUMBASS!!!! DUMB, DUMB, DUMB IDIOT-HEAD!!
Article 28
Everyone is entitled to a social and international order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized.
1984 anyone?
Everyone is entitled to a X and X order in which the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration can be fully realized. See why it makes sense to define terms? What the hell is an international order? Really...I'm asking. I know social order is some kind of fiction, but I don't even know what international order as used here could even ever possibly actually you know...MEAN!
Article 29
- Everyone has duties to the community in which alone the free and full development of his personality is possible.
- WHAT THE FUCK????
- I have duties? Surely none other than the ones I choose to have. Or ...oh yeah wait..the "duties" that are forced upon me by force...oh yeah...silly me..."duties"...yeah...good "name" for it. We used to call it slavery or coercion or just acts of aggression and war. Or you know...a mugging. And my personality only develops if I perform these duties? Are you retarded? Is the sky full of bubbles and fish where you live? My personality ONLY develops freely if I perform unspecified duties to an unspecified community? What. The. Fuck....honestly. Your planet is scarily depressing.
- In the exercise of his rights and freedoms, everyone shall be subject only to such limitations as are determined by law Ahahahahahah!! Honestly...this cracks me up...so all we need is a law that says you have no rights (and there are many that basically do this in less clear language than I use here) and this whole thing is a piece of fiction...oh wait it is anyway...solely for the purpose of securing due recognition and respect for the rights and freedoms of others (so not actually for your own "rights") and of meeting the just requirements of morality, (definition Phu-LEAZE...still waiting on that!) public order and the general welfare in a democratic society. But surely I have the RIGHT to choose to live under say a totalitarian dictatorship...oh wait...you call that Democracy...and you don't actually give a choice about it...oh I see...
- These rights and freedoms may in no case be exercised contrary to the purposes and principles of the United Nations. Oh. Yeah. Them. Not that you have actually you know...told me what the fuck those are. Though I am getting the jist by perusing this here document. And I'd say it's something like "brainwash and beat, coerce, manipulate all the sheeple into order so they will do as they are told by the powers that be. I.e. us, the UN." Seems kind of obvious. Badly and stupidly done to be sure, but still obvious.
Article 30
Nothing in this Declaration may be interpreted as implying for any State, group or person any right to engage in any activity or to perform any act aimed at the destruction of any of the rights and freedoms set forth herein.
This seems like a standard "small print" clause basically saying...oh yeah...and you are not allowed to do unto us as we do unto you.
COMMENTS ARE OPEN, PEOPLE!
But I fully expect few to none. Partly because this is like...long you know..and frontal lobes and reading and thinking and...yeah...hard. Pain.
And also you know, this Martian guy is just too radical man...like...we all know what morals means...yeah...and dude..it's like...just too long...can you pass another joint man?
All I want for Xmas is my zap gun and the spaceship. In fact even just the spaceship would be fine really.
So I usually go to this place near the office to grab a bite. Behind the counter there's an Italian guy who has my same name and wears the same trousers as me, which is a little freaky, but he's Sicilian and so just not as cool as my Venetian self so that's ok and then there is a Portuguese guy who speaks Esperanto. I mean I think it's Esperanto. I can't actually make out words or anything, and he mixes French, Portuguese, Spanish, Italian and English freely. I actually think he has coined new words.
He was singing along today to that song that goes:
"Baby...cool....ba-aaby Co-oool..."
And I was struggling to make out the Baby and Cool parts, as for the rest it just sounded like:
"Nama rmawha rama namawha-lamnarama..."
Interesting....in the same way that a lama speaking in Pali to you may be interesting. Kinda cool but it may as well be a llama instead of a lama for all the understanding it will give you.
Anyway, they are cool, leave me alone to read my book or write notes or just stare into space if I want and they have this waitress who I think is also Portuguese but she's pretty unassuming and looks a litle skittish and mildly nervous as fear-nervous instead of bitchy-nervous, and you feel a little sorry for her but she doesn't look like a genius or anything and seems to be a generally sweet, unassuming little person going about her life.
So I am eating there the other day and I order the same thing, they tell me there's a new thing on the menu, but I don't really care, since I am the original inventor (intellectually at least) of Glop (TM)*, and so I say something like, nah, thanks, just the usual.**
Since I have been there for the last month or two pretty regularly the normally shy, sweet waitress has become braver and actually makes the odd little comment of conversation now and then, so as I am sitting down she says,
"You don't like to change eh?"
And I say " nah, I'm a simple guy.." so we're smiling and I like that she's getting a bit more talkative so I carry on "...you know, easily pleased.."
And she says again "...yes, you don't like to change eh?" so just for a laugh, you know, kind of to push her boundaries a little bit I think to myself (but I don't really think about it, it's a reflex with me really) I say:
"Only with food. With food, I don't like change, ...now...women...that's another story...they can change all the time..."
So (poor fool me) I'm thinking heh-he, let's see how she reacts to that little boundary push, heh-he...except I don't get a chance to think it because without so much as lightning blink of an eye passing between the end of my sentence and the start of her reply she says:
"Well, that's eating too no?" and a wicked little gleam in her eyes and mouth flickers on her face.
It made me burst out laughing. Well, she's right....I could only agree...but it made me and the people sitting near me laugh too for about 2 minutes straight, probably just because she's so unassuming and seemingly quiet and shy....and yet the total lack of hesitation clearly indicated she is very clear on where she likes her men's faces on her general person thank you very much!
It's always the quiet ones.
You just can't trust these supposedly shy and reserved latinas!
* Glop (TM) - Try Glop! Glop is good for you! Glop is a nutritionally balanced general foodstuff that can be fried, boiled, roasted, steamed or just eaten raw. This neutral coloured tasteless and odourless substance contains all the raw ingredients you require for healthy life without any of the artificial, genetically modified, processed, carcinogens other generic foodstuffs are now imbibed with. Glop can come with any (natural) flavouring or colouring combinations you prefer. Now available in toothpaste tube format with fast-n-eazy-squeeze technology for faster consumption. Eat glop, so you don't have to waste precious time introducing fuel into your well-oiled, machine-like body. Just down some Glop into your stomach cavity and continue living life without annoying food-based distractions.
Deep-throat applicators for even more direct and faster introduction of Glop into the stomach cavity are available on most of our products that encompass fast-n-eazy-squeeze technology. Flesh coloured anatomical applicators available at a surcharge for our heterosexual females and homosexual customers. Neutral light green coloured "scoop shaped" applicators available for the more conservative or heterosexual male customers at no extra charge.
(PS: Rumours that Glop is somehow associated with Soylent Green products are baseless lies spread by jealous farmers of genetically modified "foods")
** If you order the same thing in a place you frequent a lot eventually they will improve the quality of the non-(TM) Glop they serve in that particular establishment.
Warning: If you did not read my last post I suggest you read that first, so that this will make sense.
So just for fun I ask red-head girl if she had a nice time discussing my naked look with the cleaning girl since I left them alone together...this is our sms exchange:
Red-Head Girl: Yeah, she said I'm lucky...that u r really hot ☺
Me: Hahahahah! She did not say that! Did you guys seriously discuss it!? By the way how long was she in the flat? Where we still doing it??
Red-Head girl: Oh yeah! she did say! I said "Oh sorry about G" n she: "no problem, u lucky hum? He's good!" ☺ n I agreed, she's right ☺! U where in the WC when she arrived...
One can only assume a few things from this exchange....the cleaning girl did linger a bit on what she looked at...
and depending on how you interpret her comment she may have only come in when I was in the bathroom....but she may have lingered outside the front door a little while.
Oh well....it's nice to be appreciated by your employees.
Now I wonder if I just gave the cleaning girl a suitable outfit for work for Xmas whether she would wear it...
And if Brazilian Red-Head girl didn't have a slightly homicidal jealous streak in her...
So this morning I wake up and am still tired, which given the number of hours I sleep these days is no surprise. I look out the glass door-window and the river looks flat and brown and the sky grey and cold. Luckily the sexy, warm body next to me ensures I get at least one of the 3 things I like best in the morning.
Of course this makes me kinda late, but hey it's a good reason; so I kind of stumble into the on-suite, wash, put my contacts in, don't have time to shave if I want to catch the boat to work, the girl sticks her head in the door and says something to me and I think it's about making me tea, partly because I'm washing my face so I can't hear her properly, partly because all the shooting when I was a kid makes me a little hard of hearing at times,* partly because she's from Brazil and sometimes she pronounces a word or two in a way that makes it hard to understand, and partly because she's soft spoken, and mostly because she's sweet that way and makes me tea in the morning when I'm not rushing out like a maniac, so I say "No, thanks babe, I gotta run."
And then of course when I come out of the bathroom, I grab a T-shirt, a pair of underwear, and make my way to the lounge to collect my trousers where I left them last night and of course just because I have a T-shirt and underwear on me doesn't mean I am actually wearing them yet, and I step into the lounge and this shortish, Asian featured, pretty girl is standing there, staring at me, and it's slow motion time.
I am not sure how one would even measure it, but I think I probably have some kind of record for being honest to God accidentally naked in front of women I don't know well. It seems for once the girl who comes to clean my place on a Wednesday is on time. Oh well. Now...there must be some Martian thing in my brain that is different from humans because although it all happened in that slow-motion-accelerated frame of mind way that probably lasts only a second or three, the process that went through my brain was quite slow, not rushed at all really, and went something like this:
Oh, hello...who's this girl? (nice hair... long...) Hmmm....what is she doing in my house? Do I know her?
Hmmm...nice ass too...oh, here she is turning around now.... (Did I say Hello?) Ummmm....
"Oh...Hello...(!)"
Ha!...cute face too!...oh...what is she looking at...Oh it's my maid! Hey, Hi, Wow, you're early today...or...on time anyway..ha-ha! ...oh..yeah...I'm naked...hmmm... (-..-)
Oh look, she's kinda surprised? Shocked? Shy...oh yeah...well I'm practically almost completely shaved there, so it's not leaving much to the imagination...heh...she looks kinda cute shy like that...Hey is she taking kinda long to avert her eyes? Oh yeah...supposed to cover that up I suppose...ok...uh...make appropriate gesture...
(half-heartedly waves underwear/T-shirt in front of groin)
- which probably looks more like a sort of Formula 1 salute with the flag than a hide-behind-the-curtains-attempt-at-modesty on my part -
Uh...ok she's turned away all shy now...I guess my work here is done...
And so I went back to the bedroom.
"Baby....!?" I say to the red-head girl...in a good-humored WTF? kind of way...
"I TOLD YOU!" She says. Repeatedly.
"Nah...you didn't..." She probably did....
" I TOLD YOU! "
Which on reflection must have been weird for her. I mean how did that conversation go in her head?
"Hey darling, the maid is here, don't flash your cock in her face ok?"
"No, thanks babe, I gotta run."
I suppose she thought it meant: Oh, Ok, (implied) "No (as in: No... I will not flash her) comma, thanks babe (cause she is a hottie) comma, I gotta run (random self-obsessed male comment requiring no response from hot, soft-spoken little me).
Whilst instead (albeit unintentionally) it meant: No. (As in: No, I WILL flash her! And the little bitch will like it I tell you! (implied)) thanks babe (a word of gratitude for giving me the opportunity to flash the hard-working Khazakstani girl) comma, I gotta run (as in: I can't wait to do it! let me at her!!)
Yeah well...what can I say. I am getting another one of those strange things ticked off an imaginary list...
Be naked with two girls at the same time - check
Gotta be more specific damn it. These things never quite work out the way you want if you leave it to chance!
Anyway I really did have to run, so I left the money for the girl on the table (the cleaning girl you perverts) and said bye to both of them, the cleaning girl was so cool about it, she was just all smiling and friendly and even tried to say something neutral when I was leaving, which given her level of English was a big effort and much appreciated, she was usually silent before that unless she had something to say specifically about her work. But you know me, gentle readers, I couldn't leave it as though it had not happened, so my parting words to her where...well...you got your bonus today didn't you. She laughed.
And come to think of it I didn't really hear what she said that was so neutral-sounding....I assumed it was arbitrary stuff like "I started in the lounge today..." But given my track record maybe she said "Can we all start in the lounge next time...I felt all alone there today...when I was wating for the two of you..."
Because, come to think of it a bit more...I have no idea how long she was in the apartment...for all I know she was holding the camera when I was busy doing my manly duty in the early morning...oh well... no doubt they are going over camera angles as we speak, since I left them alone to discuss my au naturelle look, in my rush to work.
***
On the boat, what with having left money for the girl at home, I had no cash, so when it came to paying the ticket, since I just made it to the pier as the boat arrived I told the ticket booth girl I'll pay on the boat since there was a queue, so I got on knowing I only had a couple of coins on me. And I spent those on a bottled water. Fuck it, I figured if I'm going to be keel-hauled I may as well not be thirsty before it.
As it happens they only take cards for £10 or more...the ticket is £3.35 so I tell the girl to sell me tickets for the next two days too but she can't. So you're telling me I gotta pay £10 for just one ticket? That's not so cool. So she says to me to take a seat and she'll talk to me later. And she does. Later she prints me a No charge/Free travel ticket. Nice of her. Thanks Boat girl. If I see you again next time I'll buy you a coffee.
Or flash you. Cause you know, that's just how I say "Thanks for a job well done!"
* The long term effects of firing firearms without ear protection where not know then. It hits you a couple or three decades later, so shooters amongst you, take note. You're not going to go deaf, but it will mess with the frequencies you can hear (some better, some worse). Or maybe it's just my dog genes...who knows.
So the other day I made one of those weird realisations that come to you sort of out of the blue and are so unexpected you just know that there must be some deep truth hidden in them.
It suddenly dawned on me that every red-headed girl I have been with was actually important to me.
The first redheaded girl I was with was after my marriage failed and she was the first woman I actually wanted to have a child with. She wanted it too. I'd tell you all about what happened and why I am not with her now, but I won't. It's just she's always been a private type of person in some things and I know this is one of them. She also was the first woman that never in any way disrespected me, and in that taught me that I also never disrespect someone unless they do it to me first. Which I didn't really know about myself until she showed it to me. Perhaps most amazing of all was that she was undoubtedly the first woman that understood what consituted a disrespectful act and what didn't. She knew instinctively she could have punched me in the nose and broke it under certain situations and it would not have been disrespectful, but a word or look in the wrong way could have been.
The second redhead I was with is a pretty amazing girl. Smart. Funny. And so very strong, whilst at the same time completely female. Our relationship was so unusual and strange for the so-called "normal" world, but was just perfectly sane and normal to us that she coined a phrase for it, saying it was just "our" love for each other. Every time I think about her it makes me smile. From the things she said and did, to how sweet she is deep down even if she is so strong. Just funny stuff she did like when she grabbed my arm and said to me "Let's go bitch hunting!"
And I was like: "Huh? bitch-what?"
"Bitch hunting!" She smiled happily tugging me.
"What's that?"
"It's when you're walking around with me on your arm but look meaningfully at, make a pass to, or hit on other women. With me right there on your arm." Her smile twinkling in her green eyes.
So we did for fun and she taught me what kind of woman I find attractive. I still don't know how she knew before I even knew. She could pick a woman out of a crowd of hundreds and know exactly how much I'd find her attractive or not. It had to do with the eyes and the mouth and so on. And she was right. She is quite a bit younger than me but she wanted to learn everything and she wasn't shy in bed either. But maybe the most interesting part of our relationship was it was completely open. We didn't hide anything, didn't hold back anything. We told each other everything whenever we met and asked about everything too and we never had to feel shy or alone, or ashamed of anything.
I'd tell you about that situation too, and I would, she's not shy and neither am I, but there are other factors involved that prevent me from doing so. Still, I loved both those women, and regardless of when (or even whether) I will see them again, I know it is a true love, because on some level I will always love them. So different though they are.
Even from a distance, even not ever having met, Witch Hazel also has an effect on me in some way. It's not as if we are in any kind of relationship other than Vox neighbours, but her way of thinking is so sublime it affects me. And sometimes we mail and even though technically we are strangers, in reality we are not, because we see in each other the parts of our lives the other offers up for display, and for whatever reason, it seems we seem to perceive a little deeper than most in the other. And it has real and beneficial effects, at least in my life. And I hope in hers too.
Then of course there is the study that was done on them apparently, which seems to indicate Redheads are the best in bed. And all I can say to that is that I have to concur. It's strange really, because I always kind of assumed my ideal girl would be some dark-haired suntanned South American, or maybe a blue-eyed Russian with hair so black it's almost blue. For sure I thought she'd be a brunette. I wasn't hung up on the eyes (I'm not hung up on anything in particular as long as it's of the sufficiently elitist quality I am partial to really) but if I'd have had to guess I would have guessed black haired for sure.
Then again I married a blonde (but she was a fake blonde who has naturally really black hair so I'm not sure where that puts her) so who knows.
And lastly, call it a tiny bit of coincidence, but about the only TV show I watch (now that Dexter is not playing) is NCIS and I like both the characters of Tony and Gibbs; really the only difference between them is generational, and while age-wise I should sympathise more with Tony, the fact is that some of the party-going isn't my style at all. The womanising is partial to both although they have different styles, but I like the way Gibbs gets more humanised as time goes on in the series. For Tony it's a progression of geting more serious, for Gibbs it's a progression of getting more ... umm...what's the word? Compassionate? Probably. Less serious. Something like that anyway. Something I relate to. As I relate to his rather ... alien... concept of social skills. Anyway, I digress, the little coincidence is that Gibbs seems to have only been with Redheaded women. I only mention it because I think it may be watching an episode of NCIS that made me realise this part of my own experience with red-heads.
(And now that I think of it, isn't the girl Tony likes who is also the daughter of the Froggie also a red-head? Yeah...Coincidence? I think not dear readers...mystic hints are being given here, no doubt!)
So yeah. I think maybe watching that NCIS made me aware of it.
Or maybe it's the red-headed girl that was on the couch watching it with me who I've been seeing exclusively for the last few weeks. And you know....that many weeks in dog-years is like a year or more. It might be serious.
