Vodafone War - Settled by Black Ops ?

...but Diplomatic Immunities Threatened

Those of you that follow this blog (all three of you) will recall that Vodafone and I had entered into some hostilities. Last week there was basically all out war with a further three letters from me. After they cut me off I had to retalliate with this missive:

Note the diplomatic nuances when I wish them virulent infections of the anus... I know, I know, but Noblesse Oblige (Royalty has Duties [of etiquette])... so please, hold your applause.

Vodafone

POBox 549,

Banbury

OX17 3ZJ

23 October 2007

To Teresa [CENSORED] – Customer Relations Specialist

Re: Account for tel n. [CENSORED]

Dear Madam,

                        Once again it seems Vodafone has outdone itself in the ability to deliver a level of “customer service” that is right up there with explosive diarrhoea and projectile vomiting.

Without any warning, via text, phone call, e-mail or letter to me, your company has (yet again) blocked my line.

This happened several times way back in 2005, as you should be aware of by now, given my letter to you dated 16^th of October 2007 which included some 10 pages of previous correspondence or so. Not to mention your own records, which you should have.

As I have pointed out to you in my last two letters, any time of my day or part thereof that I have to spend to rectify Vodafone errors, mismanagement, inability to comprehend the English language or any other number of afflictions that seem to plague your company’s account management and/or PR personnel, will be charged for. Similarly, I will also charge for the time it will take me to get a contract with another service provider as a result of Vodafone’s inability to provide an uninterrupted and professional service, and as far as I am concerned, being in breach of any de facto arrangement I might have had with them.

This letter (which is being sent to Vodafone customer services via e-mail as well as yourself by hardcopy) then serves several purposes:

1. It is a bill for a further £300.00 as I have had to take time out of my day to make temporary alternative arrangements to remain in communication with my immediate client base.

1. It informs you that should my service not be restored within 24 hours (that is by midnight on the 25^th of October 2007) I shall consider you to be in breach of our de facto agreement and that this will constitute grounds for me to no longer be liable to you for any monies purported by Vodafone to be due concerning said agreement except for those due as a result of my using the service up to the time of cut-off. Any monies due by me up until said cut-off will be off-set against all monies due to me from Vodafone as detailed above and below as well as previous communications and such monies will become immediately due by Vodafone to me.

1. It also serves as a fore-warning that any further disruption to my day that may result in the future due to my having to acquire a new service provider  will be billed to you at what I should hope if by now my familiar rate to Vodafone of £300.00 per day or any part thereof.

1. It is also my way of forewarning you that my fees are immediately and promptly payable and should I not receive said payment within the next calendar month of the date of this letter I shall commence legal proceedings against Vodafone for recovery of said compensation to me.

1. Furthermore, said legal proceedings may well include any loss of earnings, cost or liability incurred by myself as a result of interrupted service from Vodafone. As well as any and all extra costs or loss of earning incurred as a result of my needing to get a new phone number since your customer service line which I called 4 times today was unwilling, unable or otherwise incapable of giving me my PAC number allowing me easy transfer of this number.

1. It serves to remind and make you aware of Vodafone’s many shortcomings with regard to my account and the “service” you have provided to me in this regard.

1. It serves to inform you that in the event of my not receiving a satisfactory solution to this situation from Vodafone I fully intend to make all of this information public and indeed already am doing so since this is my correspondence to you and I am fully entitled to publish it on my blog, print it as pamphlets to distribute to my friends and even strangers passing by really. Your corporation uses its faceless corporate wall of impenetrable bureaucracy and roboticisation funded by almost limitless resources to frustrate and crush any kind of attempt by a normal person to receive a simple measure of decent service, customer satisfaction or rectification of wrongs done by Vodafone. I will therefore use my ability to mock your company’s incompetence and/or possible illegal, quasi-racketeering like behaviour at will. Nor do I limit myself to this but instead I also fully intend on taking any and all legally enforceable actions against Vodafone in the eventuality of non-satisfactory resolution of the issues identified in this and previous letters to you.

1. It also serves the further purpose of mocking your company just for my amusement. I mean what the hell, if I’m going to go to war with Vodafone I may as well enjoy the process. Frankly your level of service is a joke itself, so we’re about even there.

In closing, allow me to detail that to date Vodafone owes me £600.00 and unless reconnection of my line is done by midnight of 25^th October 2007 they will incur further costs as described above. I also take this opportunity to wish whoever is responsible for this travesty of customer service a virulent infection of the anus complete with flesh-eating bacteria.

Most Sincerely,

Giuseppe Filotto

Cc:       Paul [CENSORED]

            Management Department

            Accounts Department

It sort of went downhill from there really for a couple more letters....

but then, miracle!

Someone finally contacted a human with a functioning brain a certain guy called Mark.

Mark did not seem to be a Vodafone clone. He actually made sense, understood the situation and wrote back to me promptly by e-mail on the same day. He offered some minor adjustments to my line, basically being one free month of line rental. And an apology for the time this took to resolve when it was quite clear the problem should have been rectified much faster than this.

I wrote back that despite his offer I felt that the trouble I had gone through warranted more than what he offered.

He made a more reasonable offer and then agreed to some conditions I sent to him by mail.

Now Mark was not a Vodafone clone but he was still having to communicate from Vodafone offices. It was pretty clear that he did have a brain, that he did get what I was saying and that probably too, he had a good laugh at some of the stuff I wrote.

I invited him for a drink if he's ever in London, so we could have a laugh about all this being as he genuinely seemed like a nice guy tasked with the unfortunate mission of plugging up Teresa's and whoever else's mess with reference to my account.

So I got a new phone at a nicely discounted price and I was very happy with it, true to his word Mark also lifted the barring on my SIM card as soon as I told him I had settled my account balance, which he took me at my word on because it doesn't show in their accounts for three days.

I got the new phone delivered and all was rosy and peaceful. Then Friday evening I got this in the mail when I got home:

Vodafone Nov -5

You can see the problem really, can't you.

Just as we finally agreed on terms, some over-zealous idiot in the rear fires a barrage of cannonballs at my lines...

This won't do. It won't do at all.

Now it has to be understood that in the previous hostilities, my letters were widely seminated throughout Vodafone. They have such problems with record keeping I wanted to be sure they got to the right person you see. That was my aim. The ridicule and exposure of stupidity is just a coincidental result of that. Nothing to do with me really.

Nevertheless I wouldn't be surprised if at Vodafone right now there is a small but spreading underground trade amongst disgruntled employees of the letters I sent to them after the virulent infection of the anus one. They were all in a similar vein.

Mark has read them all before he contacted me I am pretty sure. So we understand each other quite a bit by now I feel.

I had to reply in some way of course...so I wrote to what I think of as my friend at Vodafone: Mark.

I hope the response will be positive and that it will settle things....I really do.