The Natural Life Cycle of the Mosquito
Prelude: Last night - INT - Bedroom
I'm just about to go to sleep, already in bed, Redhead Girl also under the covers next to me, when I see out of the corner of my eye a disgusting fly. Doing what flies do. Fly around at night in your bedroom, waiting to land somewhere, vomit and spread radioactive pustulence, filth, poverty and contagion.
Me: "Damn. We have a fly." I hate flies.
Redhead Girl: "It's not a fly babe, it's a mosquito. Flies make a noise."
Me: "It's a fly. If that's a mosquito it's on horse steroids."
Redhead Girl: "No, it's a mosquito, they fly like that..."
Me: (Looking at her incredulously) "That's a fly." Pointing with my finger at the small pterodactyl floating about the room.
Redhead Girl: (Less convinced) "But where would it come from..." Being as we're on the fifth floor it's not an unreasonable question but I suspect whatever goes on on the terrace on the floor above us it may attract flies, bats, possibly mutated vampires and much protozoic lifeforms.*
"What do you mean to do..." She asks with the innocence of childhood.
"Kill it." I get out of bed and strike the offending plague carrier with an item of clothing in mid air. Just enough to stun it to the ground, not enough to splash it on the clothing used. It's a subtle art the murder of flies. I dispose of the corpse with a tissue by flushing it in the toilet. It is the end of yet another adventurous day, and we go to sleep shortly afterwards.
***
Morning, the next day. We woke early and later, still in bed, for some reason the fact I found two moths in my clothes closet is disturbing me and I mention we need to get mothballs, or some other way to make sure we get rid of them before they reduce my clothing to the generic homless person look. What bugs me more than the bugs is their provenience though. We are pretty fastidiously clean people, my ninja-trained maid vacuums regularly, there's no dust in the apartment. It's mysterious and I voice my thought aloud: "But where do they come from...?"
Redhead Girl: "Mosquitos."
Me: (Doing a double take) "Mosquitos?!?"
Redhead Girl: "Yes. Mosquitoes."
Me: "What?!? How...?" I'm actually still trying to process the concept here...
Redhead Girl: "I'm telling you, yes it's mosquitos. They do this."
Me: "What... So...yes...of course...it's the natural life cycle of the mosquito. Larvae - Mosquito - Moth ... and Werewolf of course....yes! I see it now, it's obvious!"
Redhead Girl: Laughing "It's true I'm telling you!"
Me: Laughing "Yes, you're right of course. It's just my natural ignorance of the life cycle of the mosquito. Silly me. How could I have missed it! Egg - Larva - Mosquito - Moth - Werewolf...and Vampire? Maybe Vampire too. It depends doesn't it...yes only the vicious anopheles mosquito turns into vampires though. Only for a day of course, but yes, yes, I see it now... thanks babe, mystery solved!"
And so there you have it readers. Just in case you were wondering. The true (and little discussed) life cycle of the deceptive, chamaleontic, polymorphic mosquito. May all new textbooks include this important information missed out of our science curriculum for far too long!
***
*Actually directly above me lives Gary, who's a very nice guy, quiet, neat, has a kick-ass home-entertainment system that basically converts his whole place into a cinema with the push of two buttons and I'm sure he keeps his Voodo rituals down to a minimum. But at some point I think some French people lived on the top floor. So you see how it would go.
Comments
An item of clothing, gingerly wielded. Right. It will kill one insect, my poor friend, but not the multitudes.
There was a time when cockroaches were foolish enough to invade my home - now, they wouldn't dare. The solution? Guns. Lots of guns. Machine gun nests in the kitchen and bathroom, tommy guns - all within easy reach. It's efficient, and rather fun.
Oh, and since mosquitos develop in stagnant pools, there is one more phase of their development that you might have missed.