The Ideal Woman

I found this on my hard drive a couple of days ago. I wrote it 3 years ago and went through two serious relationships since (and a somewhat scandalous number of non-serious erhm... 5 night stands ... more casual affairs). To my surprise it was still very valid and true for me.

I just had to update a couple of minor points to make it current.

I'll be interested to see what you all think.

Oh...and if you're out there dreamgirl... hurry up and get your pretty arse to me will you !?!?!

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My ideal woman must have the following attributes:

·         She must believe in love in a way that is absolute. I would die for a person I love, willingly, in cold blood. She should feel the same way about someone she loves. Please understand, I don’t REQUIRE anyone to sacrifice themselves for me, but I have learnt that this is how I love and if I don’t receive love like this, then I am unhappy and not fulfilled, meaning eventually I begin to resent the relationship.

·         She must be sexually ready, able and willing and open minded, and have a high sex drive. Sexually there is little I wouldn’t do for the woman I love, I have yet to find something I wouldn’t try at least once (though I am definitely NOT into bizarre scatology, I think most other things I can think of are fine), and in my experience, when I love a woman, I really WANT to do whatever pleases her. She should be the same towards me, she should swallow my cum regularly, not because it’s her duty, but because she WANTS to. Because she loves me and it pleases her to please me, just like I get pleasure from pleasing her.

·         She must be absolutely loyal to me as I will be to her, I don’t specifically mean sexually, I mean in life. She must be on MY side and I on HERS. As for sexual fidelity, I think it’s important, and I am the rare kind of man that will not cheat on a woman, however, given enough sexual open-mindedness, I wouldn’t rule out absolutely some kind of roleplay/games involving other people on some kind of peripheral way. It’s not a necessity by any means, but sexual fidelity is probably less important to me than honesty. I’m not saying I would necessarily want or even be ok with us having other partners, or engaging in threesomes or anything like that, but it’s something that I might actually envision myself living with (I don’t know, I’ve never been in that situation) but I cannot, and will not, categorically, ever want to be in a relationship where there isn’t absolute honesty. Yes about everything, and no, your past does NOT bother me in any way, maybe because I have a big dick and I think I know how to use it, but apart from that, I know who I am, and no other human intimidates me, regardless of whether they ARE ‘better’ than me at any given task.

·         Be relatively fit and willing to either do sports or be involved in some physical activity, gym, hiking, travelling, seeing new places even if you have to walk there carrying a heavy weight. Not as an everyday thing, but she needs to be able and willing to come with me wherever I decide to go, and that may be Alaska or Antarctica, or across the Sahara on a camel.

·         She must look good. This of course is very subjective as the important thing is she must look good to me. However, from past experience, every woman I have been in love with looked good enough that men would turn in the street to look at her and they would be approached pretty regularly by random guys, so subjective though this factor is it clearly also has an objective standard.

·         Be a non-smoker and not have AIDS, Syphilis or be a junkie. But if she is, or has been any of them be honest about it. I may be able to forgive anything, even get used to it, but not dishonesty. And if she’s been a lesbian that’s a bonus. Couples should have similar interests, and if she has occasionally loved eating pussy, that’s ok with me, it’ll give us something to talk about and practice.

·         She must at least entertain the idea of kids and marriage and growing old together in peace (though not in boredom). I don’t know about the marriage thing, I have been married once and I thought it was the one, I was badly mistaken, but I think if I was with the right woman and I felt it in my heart the way I am hoping to find, then I would WANT to marry her. Maybe marriage is outdated, I don’t know, I think a lot of the social responses to it are, but for me, not the idea of one woman owning my soul completely, and I owning hers, and her whole body, mind and heart, but not in a controlling, patriarchal way, in a respectful, honourable, deep way. I don’t care what feminist theory says, really, deep down, there is something animal in us that requires a woman to be completely owned by her man. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you can’t own me too, after all, the ideal woman must be able to be my best friend, my lover, my wife, my sister, my mother, my white trash whore, my lady and my angel. And she must be able to be all of them in bed too! And if she can do all of that, I KNOW, she will own me.

·         She must know how to cook, maybe even like it, and if there’s cleaning to do not be scared of it, she must basically enjoy keeping a clean home. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever do anything around the house, but basically I will only do what I feel like, and the less I am nagged, the more I feel like doing, and the more we do it together, the nicer it is. I can cook, but I don’t like being in the kitchen by myself. I can wash plates and pots, but I want you to hold my balls and play with them while I do it, you understand? I wouldn’t let you do the washing up all alone without harassing you a bit, or sitting with you in the kitchen, talking, making you wear only your panties and socks while you cook, or maybe just being quietly together as we prepare dinner.

·         I don’t really care if you work or not, but I expect you to be your own person. You must have your own thoughts, you must be able to do logic at least a bit, I am sick of fucked up women that deny reality because it doesn’t fit their idea of how things should be. Shit stinks, life is pretty hard, people are essentially pretty stupid, petty and mean, but if you have one person in the world you love and that loves you, all of that changes to people are tolerable, even funny, life is interesting and even the hard bits can be fun, sometimes the hard bits are the best even and the shit of my lady might still stink, but I love it all the same because it came from HER sexy ass. In most cases, I think being your own person probably means you have to have had your own work/business/life, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be a property Tycoon. I don’t give a shit if you’re a waitress or a toilet-cleaner, but you have to be a complete person. I am not a millionaire and I think if I hadn’t spent so much time doing things that were more important to me I could be by now, but that’s ok, because you know what? Those things really ARE more important, because those things that I was busy with are the essence of life. After all, each of us only needs five things:

o        To be comfortable with yourself

o        To have a man/woman to share your life with

o        To have good friends to share your life with

o        To be able to move/live/do what you want as you want it (this basically often boils down to having enough money)

o        To be able to give to others so as to enrich their lives.

I have listed these things in the order that I think matters most to me, from most important at the top, to least important at the bottom (but still essential to be a complete human being anyway)

At some point I have done every one of those things, though most of my time has been spent trying to get the first and second things right, along the way I have made some very good friends, scattered throughout the globe though they may be. I have always been pretty comfortable with myself, who I am and how I am. Over the last few years I also learned about some badly damaged depths of myself that I didn’t really know about, and I have healed them, so I am as happy and confident and sure of myself as I have ever been. I am lonely still sometimes, but even if I never meet you dream-woman, I’ll be alright, I’ll still be something, someone, worth taking time with, not just existing. I’ll be living, even if alone. Something I could never contemplate before. Of course I’d much prefer that I find you though.

I have given of myself (even too much, because it was maybe in a way that didn’t take me into enough consideration, not because I need to be selfish, but because one needs to consider oneself too if one is to become truly effective at creating lasting positive change not for just one or two people, but for many.) And at times in my life I had enough money to live as I wished, though this was never a permanent condition. Something I think, I will devote some time to altering now. Also because I realise now, a stable life in terms of wealth, is required if one is eventually to be truly able to give to people in a way that matters. Wealth translates to time and power to create change and you need both in order to improve the lives of others as well as your own. I am susceptible to the first two though, if I am troubled within myself, or troubled with the woman I love, everything else takes second place. Some say this is wrong, but I don’t think so, no job, no amount of money, no social interaction can be as important to me as the one I have to have with myself if I am to be a whole person able to respect myself and the one I have with the woman who completes me, who is the other half of my heart.

·         She must be intuitive and tactile. And intuitively tactile.

·         Ideally she must know stuff! It goes without saying that she needs to be intelligent. Not in a smart-arse sort of way, in a practical, erudite way. Because she’s naturally curious and also tenacious enough to look for answers. Because she enjoys understanding things.

And what do I have to offer for all of this?

·         I believe in love to the point of death, destruction and utter hopelessness. If I love you, and you love me the same, there is nothing I will not do if it needs doing. I wont’ care if you are insane, literally mentally ill, we’ll find a way to fix it. I wont’ care if you have been a porn-star and sucked and fucked five-hundred cocks in the last six months (I think someone like that probably is too damaged to be able to feel and give the kind of love I talk about, but I am nothing if not open-minded). I won’t care if you’re a mafia don’s daughter and your family will try and hunt me down and kill me (I have fast reflexes, can shoot straight and if I can’t fight back ‘cause after all you love daddy and all your cousins called Vito, then I’ll just change name and move to some tropical island with you). I won’t care if you killed your last husband because he tried to force you to become a prostitute in Russia. We’ll hide the body somewhere they’ll never find it. I won’t care if you are bulimic and vomit and shit yourself regularly. We’ll fix it. I know, believe me, it can be fixed. Not that it’s easy or that it’s the kind of thing I’m looking for you understand, it would be better if you were not bulimic, not insane, not a murderer and not a mafia don’s daughter, but hey…we can’t all be perfect.

·         It’s not just a deep loyalty thing though, I believe in spiritual unity. I believe in you just KNOWING what I am like inside and not being scared of it and not being scared of saying it out loud to me or being quiet and soft if that’s what I need. I believe in kissing you softly and holding you close and just cuddling you or talking about astronomy or the Galaxy, or UFOs or telepathy or the lost civilisations of ancient times, or any aspect of psychology or philosophy or neurology, or whatever else takes our fancy and then other times just grabbing you by your hair, pushing your face into the pillow and fucking you senseless. But all of it with love, all of it with you in my heart and me in yours. I believe in sometimes (and you’ll know when or how, better than me because you love me and feel me better than I feel myself, just like I’ll feel you better than you feel yourself) you fucking me senseless as my whore, sometimes being fucked senseless by me as my wife, sometimes tying me down and owning my balls like a mommy and other times playing with me as your incestuous brother, and I believe in fucking you like your husband, your lover, the dirty bastard truck-driver that just throws you down and uses you like a dog, your perverse daddy or whatever else you need that day. Not because we have to impress each other, not because we have to be ‘cool’. Just because it’s fun and we enjoy it and that’s what we feel like that day.

·         I like having sex, making love, fucking like rabid dogs and all of them mixed together too. I can have (and have had) anything up to six or seven orgasms in a 24 hour period, not every day for a year probably, but even after the ‘settling’ down phase, I can quite happily have sex once or twice a day every day. That doesn’t mean we can’t have a day or two where we don’t have sex, and I don’t particularly enjoy sex when a woman has her period, but I have done that too in the past, just found it’s…feels a bit I don’t know, kind of low. Which maybe sounds strange, because I have no problem with doing all sorts of perverse things with a sexy, beautiful, fun woman, but it’s just that sex with your period on seems to kind of give both you and me a kind of ‘low human’ feeling. I enjoy being a white trash redneck with my white trash whore of course, but I don’t know how to explain it...we’re CLASSY white trash, even when we’re white trash, we’re SHOWERED white trash, not smelly, filthy with sweat and dirt of days white trash, if you get my drift.

·         I am not really anal about being tidy and clean and so on, but I just prefer it. I like being clean and having a tidy home that is clean and healthy. That doesn’t mean that even if we didn’t shower for a few days (for whatever reason) I would be repulsed by you, there is nothing that repels me about you if I love you, but in general I am a clean person, I have been told even too clean, but I think this was from people that didn’t understand me properly. For example, the same people that accused me of being too clean would probably shirk from holding your hair back if you’re sick and vomiting all over the place and shitting yourself at the same time. I would not.  

·         Life with me generally speaking is still not boring, even though I am already 37 and kind of starting to think of slowing down, I don’t really mean become sedentary, I just mean, get some perspective, not always be with the water-level at my throat. Let me give an example, I am 37, but I have lived in 41 different homes in my life. I think it’s time for me to have some place I can at least return to regularly and call my home at least a few months a year. Ideally I want to get a home next to the sea, and then maybe another couple or three in other places in the world. I think I’d like a holiday home in Cape Town South Africa because it’s beautiful and I love that city and also that country, fucked-up, weird and sometimes evilly frustrating though it can be. I want a place in London and one in Venice in Italy. And one on an Island on the beach in a warm Ocean…maybe Fiji. Do I have them yet? No. Why? Am I a useless hippie dreamer? No. I just spent the last 20 years of my life trying to get that perfect (or nearly perfect) relationship with a woman. The first time I spent 13 years with a woman, we started too young, and she had too many issues that were too deep-rooted for many years, and then, by the time she got healthy, I realised, we were just very good friends, but she’s not the one. The second one I married. I believed in it. I thought she was it. Turns out she was not. She probably didn’t mean it consciously (well, not all of it, though some of it she did) but essentially she used me to get out of a life she didn’t want and get herself into one she did. I believed in her, and it hurt like a bitch, but what you gonna do? We turned out to be completely incompatible in terms of marriage, but we turn out to be actually good friends now that we feel absolutely zero attraction for each other, which is weird because the only thing that kept us together for 4 years we both agree was the amazing sex. I have been with another two women I loved after these but each for just less than a year. The last one hurt enough that I had to finally learn some lessons I really needed to learn. And I have and I’m grateful. I know myself a whole lot better, I know what I want, and I think this time I will not easily be fooled into seeing anything that’s not there. I still believe it. I still want it. I still believe in that one love that will nail my heart to a tree. Not because I am gullible. Not because I am stupid. Not because I want it so bad I refuse to be realistic. But because life just has no meaning if it doesn’t exist. And I believe it does. The day I honestly stop believing that kind of love can exist (if not here then on some other planet, where hot blue-skinned babes KNOW what I’m talking about) I will shoot myself in the head and REFUSE to ever be reincarnated again (mind you, I’m kind of ready to refuse reincarnation already, if that’s how it really works, which by the way, I think it is).

·         I am not particularly religious. If I had to choose a short way to describe myself I’d say some kind of Zen agnostic. I have had experiences that I cannot discount, where I have met people I used to know in another life and they recalled it too, and no, this was not any kind of drug-induced weirdness. It has happened to me a few times now and I don’t do, nor have ever done any drugs, and I am trained as an engineer and am about as practical and pragmatic as they come, but a reasonable man cannot deny something just because it’s not maybe in accordance with politically correct thought. I hate politically correct thought and people by the way. I was an atheist until about age 22 to 24, when some things began to make me realise there is an undeniable design behind creation. There is order on a scale that simply cannot be the result of chance. God, is provable to about 80% probability simply by being able to do logic and observing the universe around us. The last 20% you can only experience subjectively, but in a way that is still objective for the individual (confusing yes, paradoxical, yes, but true nonetheless) As to what God is or even how to describe it, it’s impossible for me to say. I only know the Universe exhibits a degree of design (and hence intelligence) that is staggering. A couple of times in my life some really weird experiences happened that I can only describe as miracles. They are subjective events, I can never really prove them empirically to anyone other than the people who were there with me, but they remain significant nonetheless and were positive experiences for me in terms of my development as a human being, so in the end, regardless of whether they were miracles, acts of God, random coincidence or my psyche trying to justify its own evolution to itself in a very round-about way, they were still good things for me. I don’t particularly care if you have any particular religious beliefs, as long as they are not essentially dogmatic in nature. Even a little dogmatism I can tolerate probably, but not a lot of it, certainly not a zealot’s amount of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, or any other ism. If you like going to church and lighting candles for dead ones or as a prayer or whatever, burning incense and chanting for a few minutes a day, or if you don’t do any of them at all, it’s all pretty much the same to me. Just know I don’t worship ANY human. The Pope to me is not God’s representative on Earth, he’s just an old fart they are trying to keep alive beyond brain-death. If you want to confess your sins every Sunday just be sure you do it like a good Sicilian, tell everything about how you swore or had bad thoughts, but never mention the things that happen at home (the sex, where the bodies of irritating politicians are hidden, or the fact your husband wore your panties when he couldn’t find any of his own clean underwear one day). As for politics, I don’t have any. I suppose the closest I come to is a true anarchist. Etymologically anarchy means “no priesthood” that is, no one interpreting sacred concepts for me. And that is exactly how I feel. I’ll do what I want when I want, guided by the immutable laws of ethics and justice, and not ephemeral morals and human laws designed to corral us into neat little lots of sheep to be fleeced. 

·         I have led a very interesting and different life, done many things that a lot of people probably never do and seen a lot of things most people will never see, it has made me open-minded, travelled and able to appreciate most cultures and ideas, no matter how weird or strange, and have learnt to judge them on their merits rather than my prejudices if I must judge them at all. But please don’t assume this extends to me tolerating any kind of politically correct speech.

·         I am intuitive and tactile, and intuitively tactile.