The Escalator at Bank Tube Station - 20 lashes challenge

UPDATE: Well it will soon be a whole YEAR this escalator is out of order soon. I had this post as viewable only to friends as I thought the general populace might think me too angry/vicious (I really am not angry. Vicious I may be but rage throws your aim off so i don't do much of it anymore. The vitriolic language is just because I hope it gets to the bastards in some way if they should happen to read this by mistake.)

I am seriously considering issuing the challenge more formally and officially now actually.

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As most of you know, my posts tend to focus on what I perceive to be the fundaments of reality rather than the apparent "reality" we seem to have to deal with.

If my posts where about a house, most of them would be about the choice of location, the views you could aspire to having, the processes of how it would interact with its surrounding ecology and so on.

This is not because talking about brick manufacturing, or even brick purchasing is beyond me. Or even below me. But because I figure if you're building houses, those basic skills are something you already know how to do. There's not much interesting stuff going on there. Besides, there are lots of places where you can learn to buy bricks. Why you would want a house built of bricks however, that may be more interesting. 

Sometimes though, by observing the most practical, physical, simple dynamic or variable (or lack thereof) you nevertheless can get quite profound insight into the workings of things.

Which brings me to the title of this post.

I moved home just before Xmas 2006. As a result I have been walking through the Bank underground station on a pretty daily basis for the last six months or so. Right from the start, one of the escalators leading from the Bank Underground to the DLR platforms and Monument Tube station was out of order.

Obviously in our daily ant-like rush of the mornings and evenings this causes clogging among the human termites.

The escalator was fenced off. Then the fencing changed and apparently some mysterious New Activity was being undertaken to fix it (presumably). Then it was fenced off even more professionally and now it's practically boarded up.

Now. I am not an escalator technician. I never have been. I never will be. However....if paid the no doubt exorbitant fee that whatever useless motherfucking, thieving, bastard is going to get at the end of this merry-go round, I am sure that single-handedly, in 6 months, I could have learnt all there is to learn about escalators and also get it fixed. Even if I had to mill the missing/unavailable/strange/alien bits that are delaying the repairs.

After learning how to mill things and buying a fucking lathe to do it with.

In fact, I am reasonably certain, that even armed only with a screwdriver and chewing gum, in six fucking months, a firm tasked with repairing an escalator should be able to do so.

Apparently not.

And I know why you see.

Yes. I worked for a time in a company that was hired by Transport for London to maintain ______________ I cannot say the specifics (well I can actually, but you know what I mean) so let's just say a large part of the transport network of London.

And the practices I saw in terms of efficiency were very revealing. They were unnatural beyond description.

I mean that literally.

They may be very common practices in human affairs, especially "government work" and institutionalised type of human affairs, however in nature, it would be the equivalent of a troop of schizophrenic lemurs trying to mate with a herd of gnus whilst both species are trying to cross a crocodile infested swamp by using lily pads as flotation devices. All of it with the final purpose of producing fertile gnu-lemur beings.

Keep that in mind the next time you want to complain about some aspect of the transportation network of this great city. Frankly it's a miracle anything actually gets done at all. Institutionalised incompetence seems to thrive like gangrene in the tropics. It literally multiplies at the speed of cellular division.

Personally I don't really care about the escalator in terms of the discomfort it creates me on a physical level. On an ethical level however it would prompt me to suggest we institute a penalty system where such practices would result in the directors of the firm/organisation responsible being publicly flogged. Though being shot at dawn would also produce results no doubt, I feel it would be counterproductive. The lack of people that care and/or are able to do their job even just competently, never mind exceedingly well, is shrinking to double and single figures in London alone.

We need to motivate a surge in care and attention and duty and pride in one's work and honesty and self-fulfilment through our chosen career path. Years of martial arts training has taught me that whilst some people do respond to positive encouragement, EVERYONE responds to massive pain applied at pivotal moments of the learning process!

If the incompetent lazy bastards responsible, knew they would not be fired, they would not be allowed to resign, they would not get a company fine, but instead they would just get 20 lashes whilst tied to Nelson's column in Trafalgar Square every week of delay that occurred on repairing that escalator, I am certain beyond any doubt in my mind, that in a couple of weeks tops, that damn thing would be working flawlessly.

And just so you know I'm not blowing hot air:

Here's a challenge to the fucking brain damaged people "running" the organisation/firm etc. responsible:

I formally challenge you to the following contest.

It is my belief that I, with no knowledge whatsoever of escalators or even the problem involved in the Bank escalator, can effect whatever repairs need to be undertaken within a period of six months of you taking up the challenge.

Should you ever grow enough balls to take me up on this here's the rules:

0. Any delays caused by pencil-pushing dweebs that are not related to any actual practical activity but rather due to compliance with some non-practical issue or legality that result from incompetent pencil-pushing dweebs trying to justify their existence shall be immediately made public by full page adverts in the Metro, Times and Guardian newspapers naming such dweeb responsible and requesting his immediate superiors and ultimately Ken Livingstone if it comes to that, take action. From the day of publication until resolved, the delay in question will not be counted towards the 6 months required to complete the repairs of the escalator. The costs for the adverts will be originally and immediately borne by the firm responsible for the repairs and whom I am challenging, but presented to TfL Underground as a contra-charge ultimately.

1. Any costs incurred for material, manpower, educational courses, registration of equipment or completion of any skills or required licensing or purchase of machinery or any other cost of whatever nature incurred for the purposes of achieving the repair of said escalator will be for your account and paid immediately upon presentation.

2. I may hire, purchase or build any material or item required in order to effect the repairs and I may hire or employ any person with relevant expertise required to effect the repairs. All such costs will also be for your account.

3. You will present the costs you have directly and indirectly caused, incurred, been paid, presented for payment or received payment for in relation to this escalator and we will further project estimated future costs on a pro-rata basis up to a date that based on your past performance realistically estimates when you theoretically WOULD be finished with the repairs. We will have this figure independently audited by a professional firm that is mutually agreeable to both me and yourselves.

4. If I should achieve these repairs in the stipulated time of six months or less then you will pay me your full fee quoted originally for the repairs plus any and all variations or a lump sum of £100,000.00 whichever is greater. Furthermore, should I finish before the full six months is up, then you will pay an early completion bonus prorated to the expenses incurred so far on a daily basis as determined in point 3 above. Lastly you will also pay for a full page newspaper advert to be printed in the Metro, Times and Guardian and said advert will include a summary of this blog entry as well as the results of this challenge. I.e. your abysmal failure and my success. It will also include your names and recent photographs as well as mine and our respective roles in this challenge. 

5. If I should fail in this endeavour, then I shall voluntarily be tied to Nelson's column in Trafalgar square and will take 20 lashes of a normal whip to my back (upper torso only), administered in such a manner so as to minimise the chance of death or permanent crippling injury beyond the permanent scarring that whipping invariably entails. I will however sign of a waiver for any and all crippling injury that may occur or even death. The person chosen for the whipping will be agreed upon mutually by myself and your representatives as being someone of reasonably sound ethics and character and if possible whipping experience. You may also, if you so choose, pay for the full page advert as described above in point 4. but this time detailing your success and my abysmal failure.

6. Any other legal points not already covered here can be entered into formally as soon as you accept the challenge but in any case the legal document covering this challenge will not be longer than 5 pages of A4 sized paper with Arial 10 point font writing and will be written in as plain a language as possible and free from overlong or over-detailed legalese terms. The spirit of this challenge I think is clear to most people of reasonable and sound mind so it should be clear to you too.

Well, there you go. That's my social conscience all up to date now. Doing my bit for society and all that. Martian style, so I don't expect the lily-livered, spineless, incompetent, thieving fucks will be contacting me anytime soon, but feel free to spread the word. You never know. Social pressure might just get them to take me up on it.

I sure would like that.

Zap gun is ready and holstered....whenever you're feeling lucky punk...draw!