Seeing Vodafone Red - Basic Manners are Free
The Human female that posed as my grandmother on this planet long ago used to say that:
Good Manners Don't Cost Anything
Vodafone insists I pay them more money for paying them money.
Yes you read that right. It's not a typo. They seem to think it's ok to charge you extra if you do not pay by direct debit. There is of course no legal basis for this. It's like saying that if you pay your grocery bill using two £10 notes instead of one £20 note you get charged an extra £1.
I don't think that's very polite of them.
[Editorial update: I just had a conversation with a pretty colleague of mine about this. And she assures me they charge her extra for paying by direct debit. And they want to charge ME extra for paying by NOT direct debit. So...I guess we should just stop paying all our bills to Vodafone alltogether. You know. To avoid incurring extra costs for...errr paying the fucking bill?!?!!?]
Excuse me, but I will NEVER have a direct debit. For anything. Ever. I learnt my lesson due to ...yes Vodafone. Over 10 years ago and in another country, but I learnt. A Direct Debit order is essentially the same as giving a stranger your house keys and saying here you go, leave it tidy after you're finished taking what you need will ya?
So when I got a contract I made sure I told them I would not sign up for direct debit. The girl assured me ok fine that would be great. So I said ok then I'll just strike out this clause on the contract.
She said...umm...no don't do that. Just trust me.
I like that. Trust amongst people doing business with each other. Especially when it's little old me with a huge faceless, person-less entity like Vodafone.
Trust.
Yay!
So I never filled in my bank details or signed the contract agreement. She took it and processed it anyway.
Because hey. We trust each other right? Besides she was kind of cute and I flirted shamelessly.
[Editorial Note: Here's a lesson for you girl: It's not just guys that get distracted and do stupid shit because someone is flirting with them. And yes. I am a male slut and proud of it. Don't get upset if you're actually reading this you cute thing. And you have my number right? Call me and we'll see that you make it up to me. It's cool. Don't worry if that last line confused you. What colour panties do you have on?]
And then it started. Vodafone telling me they received a cancellation of their debit order. And telling me they would bill me extra for the pleasure of paying by other means, which is electronically if you must know, which is painless, paper-less and takes 3 days to just appear in their account. Complete with reference number so they know who it's from. Why would this cost them more?
Because according to them it takes them 2 weeks to find the money in their account. And that would be my problem apparently, see? It's not enough I pay taxes to support a bunch of vermin that just breeds its own kind ever more populous without doing anything other than parasitically draining the humanoids among us (I speak obviously of politicians and cops and most public servants with very, very, very few exceptions if any.)
So I challenged them to produce the contract they said I had signed. They went away for two years. But it cost me days of squabbling, reconnection and disconnection. I sent them a half dozen letters and wasted a lot of time. A few weeks ago I got the charge on my account again. I wrote to them and they wrote back almost the same kind of drivel of 2 years ago. But I learn. We Martians learn. So in my first letter this time I told them they should refer to the extensive correspondence from 2 years ago which cleared this matter up. And that if I had to do it for them I would charge them my standard daily fee.
They wrote back that I had signed an agreement and that I should produce the waiver of the fee I had from them in writing since they would never issue such a waiver but only removed a small, one time charge, as a sign of goodwill. So I produced it. And charged them. And not paid my bill nor will I until they either cut me off in which case I will just go to a new provider, or accept that they are wrong and actually no they do not have access to my bank account so...err...go fuck yourselves and grow a brain. And pay me my day's worth since it actually took me a lot more than that to go dig this crap up from my files.
Here's the letter. I sent them today. I have taken out the names just because I am civil. That can change of course. It's up to them. Points 4 and 5 and the conclusion might be the bits you other Vodafone customers will enjoy the most.
Dear Madam,
I refer to your letter dated 17th September 2007, our telephonic conversation prior to my receipt of same and all the attached correspondence which should hopefully be self-explanatory if you read it chronologically. For your ease of use, the correspondence included has been filed with the oldest communications last, I suggest you start there and read your way to the front and thus the present of this situation. [It's 11 pages of correspondence]
In more particular response to your recent letter and with reference to my own letter to you dated 10th September 2007, I would like to clarify the following points:
- With regard to the charges for the call to the 0703 number on the 20th July at 13.29 pm, I accept your comments and recognise I will be liable for the cost incurred for this call, as I had already agreed with you telephonically. [Apparently I called someone that has a telephone number that looks like a mobile but is actually a paid service. I don't know. No you perverts it wasn't a sex line. I have no clue. It was a 30 second call. I know. That makes it easy to make rude comments. Go ahead. The legions of female concubines I have will sign affidavits to the contrary. Anyway....]
-
With regard to the charge for payment by non direct debit, I reiterate my previous comments, refer you to the e-mail dated 26 September 2005 [Attached. Where they waive the fee after a series of about 10 e-mails explaining all the crap they did to my line as a result too] and point out to you these fees have been waived since then in writing and in actual fact by not having been charged since then and refunded for the time previous to the 26th of September 2005. Therefore I will NOT pay them now or in the future and I expect Vodafone to honour its commitment to waive such fees.
- With regard to your erroneous comment that I signed up to this charge, and set up a direct debit, I once again challenge you to demonstrate this by showing me a SIGNED copy of any agreement to this effect I entered into. I NEVER signed such an agreement and I specifically did NOT sign any agreement to enter or activate a direct debit as I have made clear anyway on previous occasions. I have NEVER instructed my bank to activate ANY direct debits as a matter of course. I also refer you to your company’s previously already wrong statement to the same effect as evidenced by Vodafone’s letter from your [Name Deleted] dated 19/10/2005. Kindly note my response in my own letter dated 4/11/2005 (points number 1 and 2 on the first page of this letter).
- With respect to my letter to you dated 10/9/2007 concerning the fact that I would be billing you for my time should I have required to spend further time addressing your company’s obvious and repeated flaws in managerial, and accounting procedures as well as (apparently at least) inability to properly access historical documents, I am hereby informing you that my daily fee of £300.00 is now applicable and due. I will be deducting this same fee from any outstanding or due balances on my account until full payment has been made.
- To be fair, without further investigation your company’s apparent inability of following simple archival procedures with regard to accessing historical correspondence may simply be further inadequacies in management procedures or training (or both). Further investigation would be required before I could advise you adequately in this regard. In this respect, should you require further archived e-mail and correspondence between myself and Vodafone, I am hereby advising you that a further fee of £300.00 would be incurred by yourselves for both my time as well as access to said documents which I at least do file and archive.
In conclusion:
I expect to never again see the fee for payment by non-direct debit on my account, and I furthermore expect payment or credit on my account to an equivalent value (£300.00) for my time and effort which was not inconsiderable in retrieving correspondence with yourselves from over 2 years ago which you should in any case already have and be in possession of.
In fairness the accumulated time taken by myself in this regard is more than one work day however presently I have limited myself to charging you for a single day.
Please be advised that should you require further information from my archived data or require further direction from me in how to manage your ongoing concern in a more professional, accountable and ethical manner you will then incur another fee of £300.00 per day or part thereof.
In the interest of expediency I will deduct the currently due amount of £300.00 from my Vodafone bills until such time as either I have received payment in full or I have deducted the full £300.00 from your phone bills to myself, whichever comes first.
I trust this letter now puts this matter to rest once and for all. If however this is not the case, feel free to further employ me either on an ad hoc basis at a fee of £300.00 per day or part thereof, or if you should require a more formal, in depth and more general improvement of management in your company across a number of departments on a contractual basis to be agreed and discussed with the relevant persons at Vodafone whom may be authorised to make such decisions.
In view of Vodafone’s current apparent problems with document control I have taken the liberty to issue copies of this letter and attached documentation to your [Name Deleted], the Management department (if there is one) and the accounting department (which I believe exists and is designated as such). I have not billed separately for this small service as a goodwill gesture.
Most Sincerely,
Giuseppe Filotto
Cc: [Name Deleted]
Management Department
Accounts Department
This lady was rude on the phone when we spoke see. Professionally rude. The kind of person that without expressly saying so says:
You are a liar!
I actually know you are not but I don't give a fuck because I work for a giant faceless corporation and my job is to drive the little people batshit crazy by being an obnoxious bitch. Just because I can. BWAHAHAHHAHA!
And we will fuck you over and there is nothing you can do about it. I hide behind a wall of corporate roboticisation and legalese that will make you wish you are dying of leukemia before you actually get through to any of us in anything resembling reason!
AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!! Bwhahahahahaahah!!!
That basically is what she said on the phone. Of course it didn't sound like that and it was all curt and devoid of human emotion and all officialliouness lathered in dogshit (sorry I just can't bring myself to keeping it clean in the privacy of my own mind. And this here blog is a mild reflection of my inner workings. Mild. I assure you.)
But I can do the straight-laced official thing woman. And that there letter above if I were that way inclined you understand, because I wouldn't be of course. Because I am a gentleman. But of course someone else might think it was my way of saying:
Oh yeah? Well tell you what you stupid bitter dumbass, I might not be able to do much, but I will show everyone you work with what a stupid bitter fuck-face you are and how unprofessional and retarded you are for trying to pull that shit on me. AND I'll make sure everyone recognises you for the cock-starved sour bitch you are. You haven't had any decent sex since 1943 have you? Well here's a whole truckfull of go fuck yourself for ya. That's ok sweetie-pie, don't thank me yet. I've only just started. Ball back to you (don't mind the gag-straps on that there ball. Just close your eyes and open up.)
But of course anyone that interpreted it that way would be wrong. I wouldn't do that. Like I said. I'm gentlemanly and shit.
And now onto that credit card company that pissed me off. I am trying to think of how to include the phrase "Ass-munching-service" for that letter.
My Zap Gun is all charged up fuckheads. Line right the fuck-up!
