On Cyclists

It's sunny, nice weather, lots of pretty girls in short, colourful skirts and thin, gossamer-like little dresses. All should be well with the world. Of course, given this summery feeling, all my natural Martian instincts come out and so it is murder on my mind I write of today.

The natural order of things between pedestrians and cars is well understood. When you are a pedestrian you hate cars and everything motorised that prevents you from walking wherever you want, however, it is a Pax Romana, because you know full well your squishy body will not fare well against even the flimsy frame of a Kia. Besides, there are clearly demarcated territories. They don't drive on the pavement and we don't walk in the middle of the road.

When you are driving of course the roles are reversed and all pedestrians who stray from their allotted sidewalks are fair game and extra points are given for fit joggers. They really shouldn't be on roads built for cars should they. Silly fuckers.

Which brings me to cyclists. Cyclists are an unnatural and perverse de-evolution of an already monkey-DNA-burdened humanity. There is no specific, allotted, and separate and unequal (in the best apartheid traditions) spaces for them to exist. As a driver they irritate you with their cycling in the road as if they belonged there. The stupid bastards keep trying to say they do belong there but this is cleraly not the case, since invariably they cannot keep up with whatever car I happen to be driving behind them when I slam my foot down on the accelrator as soon as I see them ahead in the distance. Motorcycles on the other hand annoy no one except for when the rider is a moron that doesn't know how to change gears and so it makes a huge noise. Cyclists however expect car drivers to go against every natural selection process that millions of years of evolution has built into us purely as a result of good manners on our part.

Excuse me, but no Empire was built on allowing the slower, less technologically advanced groups to shuffle along while we gun-powder bearing persons had slaves to catch and colloseums to build. Naturally if you drive, the only good use a cyclist can be put to is as a hood ornament. Of course sometimes they sneak off to the side which would only result in your wiping out a wing mirror, but that's when you have to learn to strategically learn to open your passenger car door whilst driving. The cyclists close it again for you so it's a kind of "fire-and-forget" event.

As a pedestrian, cyclists are even more irritating for so many more reasons. Mostly though it's their insufferable arrogance and sense of entitlement. You can clearly see them thinking that "I am a cool person because I cycle! This means I can ride anywhere and casually bump into, ring bells at and generally threaten pedestrians with my fast speed and painful metal contraption hurtling along faster than you can run".

Yes. Yes they do think exactly this. you can tell. Just look into their beady little eyes.

Besides I used to be married to a triathlete. I know. But I was told by a medium I walk the razor's edge between darkness and light. Jedi powers are not enough. I also delve into the dark side readers!

Now to this "entitlement" that the cyclists feel they are due I say nay. Nay in a strong way. Firstly, no matter how fast you hurtle along in your primitive contraption for mechanic locomotion, I assure you that if you bump into me with it the resulting damage to your face and body will far outweigh mine. You are not a car. Or a truck. And as a result, you command no undue respect out of the natural order of self-preservation that cars and trucks command. In fact, if I see you coming from the front, a well placed ushiro-mawashi geri will have you off your bike and it carrying on pretty much on its own in a straight line in a flash. And I practice this regularly for the day I will finally have the least excuse to use it on a cyclist. I'm tentatively saving it for a cyclist...wearing anything yellow, but I may just go with "being a cyclist".

Due to this first point, it really makes absolutely no difference to me how many times you ring your bell when you sneak up behind me. I will not move in any way different than I planned to. I will not move aside. I will not hurry to get "out of your way" or any such nonsense. You will wait, go around me, dismount, or (please God) try and bump into me whilst maybe swearing.*

Secondly, just because you are cycling, you are most certainly not a better person. In fact my extensive study of the phenomenon of being a cyclist on your planet clearly shows an overwhelming statistical imperative that will almost certainly mean you are a complete dick-head with serious gaps in your reality-discerning apparatus. You are not saving the planet. You are just irritating it more. The stridulent squaling of your thin, flimsy bicycle tires on the surface of our world are scientifically proven to be directly responsible for tsunamis and volcanic eruptions that actually kill people.

Thirdly, if you actually cycle on the sidewalk, which is built for pedestrians specifically, I think it gives me the right to perform a citizen's arrest under the presumption that you are resisting said attempt with extreme violence toward me (clearly evidenced by your breaking the law, and doing so in a way that is potentially harmful to me and also simultaneously enables you to make for a very quick getaway (if it weren't for that ushiro-mawashi geri of course)) and thus legally permits me to do pre-emptive violence to you first. In order to safeguard my own health.

Fourthly, much like stuffing gerbils up one's anus (linked to being a cyclist in 86.5% of gerbil-stuffing cases) cycling is not a socially acceptable practice. Whilst no animals may be killed or injured by your vile practice, it irritates many of us normal people, be they pedestrians or drivers. For your annoying activity to even be considered legal you should have special "roads" were only cycles are ever allowed and such an event is not practical or reasonable, so you should all either move to an island were only cyclists live, or commit suicide. The French have some nice atolls they want to test more atomic bombs we could put you all on.

Cyclists are not as vile a creature as smokers but they are right up there.

*In this last case, shortly after which you will undergo extensive re-educational processes and will eventually, when you learn to chew food and walk again, probably join a hermitic commune of vegans far from industrialised societies.