Duelling. Seriously. Bring it back.

...and compulsory hard-labour sentences issued for stupidity would be nice too.

Now, contrary to popular belief, I am not a violent man. Truly, I am not. I am driven to it however by excessive amounts of stupidity. Lazy selfishness, and generally lack of awareness in others except of anything other than one's own anus as though it were the center of the Universe.

Let me highlight a few examples that occurred in the past week.

Pret a Manger Server in Training.

So we have a server in training. Yes I understand that it's a minimum wage job where you have to wear a uniform so basically your intellectual potential has to be marginally above that of lobotomised clam in order to get the job, nevertheless, we can train monkeys to recognise certain sounds and press appropriate buttons so this should not be beyond the range of capabilities of your average Pret a Manger server.

And of course I understand that some of these poor souls only speak a local dialect of Serbo-Croat accompanied by gesticulations and much face-slapping. In fact I am happy to help with the face slapping really. Because surely to God it should not take 15 minutes to get me a damned cappucino. I picked the rest of the stuff I want myself and it's in front of you. It's not that hard. Punch the button for each corresponding item. Add a cappucino. Tell the guy behind you to make it. Hand it over.

Surely, even if you hailed from the same Taliban cave that Bin Laden uses you have actually been inside and used one of these places. Because Osama himself uses US made dyalisis machines and these are a little harder to come by than a McDonalds. So you should have a vague idea of the process.

What you do not do is punch in half the items, forget which ones you did after you come back from a sudden interruption you just had without prompting or explanation to anyone (violent diarrhea? Memory loss? Schizophrenic surge?) then re-type in half of them, forget the cappuccino, try to give me a black coffee and then repeat the price to me 4 times as though I was deaf or actually not paying.

I mean, ok...so she's in training. So for fuck's sakes...somebody please train her! Christ. Or just at least do a basic "is she on heavy drugs/insane/less capable than a lobotomised clam" Q&A evaluation form.

Or hire a chimp. At least I'd get a laugh out of a chimp even if he overcharged me for cappucino and made it frothy instead of wet. Because he sure as fuck wouldn't get it wrong past that. And I could live with that. From a chimp.

The general staff of the estate agents we used to move.

Really good at getting me the kind of place I wanted.

Also really good at not giving me a damn thing as soon as I paid the deposit. Including two full sets of keys, a garage door opener, getting the tap fixed, or even giving me a copy of the lease I signed. In about 6 weeks.

This prompted a letter from me to them. It discussed at some length (and I quote myself) my not being born a sarcastic pain in the rectum but being made into one. Also how if they thought I was a pain in the rectum now, they would have a whole new dimension of idea about that come Friday if the whole list of items hadn't been taken care of, since it is my clear and expressely stated intention to then take care of all said items myself, and charge them for my time. Which is quite expensive and I have proved in court before and am very willing to do again, after I stop paying rent until the landlord shows up on my door step, at which point I'll settle with him directly thank you very much.

I did get a nice e-mail back telling me I would be contacted by the end of the day. So let's see.

The disgusting turd at Waterstones Jubilee place working there yesterday afternoon.

The fuckwit with the beard and the finger in his nose. This fuckwit personified everything I hate about humans in one person pretty much. Excepting child raping and a few other choice behaviours I am not absolutely certain he exhibited.

I bought a couple of books and fuckwit rings them up while actively picking his fucking nose. Being too oblivious, half-witted, lazy and self-engrossed to understand that placing his snot over my just purchased book is not what I consider an added bonus.

I was however surpised with myself. Normally I would have had a marginally higher blood pressure after eviscerating the idiot. But I actually remained calm, simply wiped down the books when I got home with a bacterial wipe and then contemplated this whole regimen of incopetence and ineptitude. It reminded me of the futuristic Graphic Novel featuring Marsha Washington. Google it. Read it. The subtext of ever increasing human incompetence is disturbingly realistic.

I mean, short of public executions for stupidity this situation is not going to get better. I am therefore planning to have an island getaway in preparation for stage one of the annexation of this crappy planet. World domination requires quiet contemplation free of the regular tsunamis of human stupidity I seem to encounter daily after all.

And I am not even going to talk about my job and the examples there. But trust me. That specially bred Pret server? She has relatives all over the planet. And I work(ed) with many of them.