Brain Damage

Those of you who are part of my hood (and who actually read my blog) will know about Venusian Girl.

Well that was almost a month ago and I got back to London all done and happy. Venusian Girl had been fully excised from my brain. Thank my lucky stars for my Martian Off Switch(TM). 

I was strolling to work, happily single (well..I always was actually, but I was free inside my chest now) so I am zip-do-daing along and a day or two after coming back have already reconnected with a girl or two and then it happened. Bang. I get zapped straight into fall off your chair, heart-thumping lightning struck, chest-bursting infatuation with this woman that seems to be just perfect. We meet for coffee and I don't go back to the office. At midnight she calls me up and asks me if I want to come over to her place, she lives down the road and comes to get me in the car she's using. We stay up talking till 5am and I go back to work and don't feel tired. She's busy with all sorts of stuff and had a vicious last relationship behind her so we miss each other for a couple of days, then she comes over one evening and she's the first girl I have ever kissed which actually kisses me.

I'd asked her the first day at her place but she said no. And I asked if that might change later and she had said yes...so when she comes over a couple of days later she asks me about something I am really interested in and while I am mid-sentence she leans in and just kisses me.

A few days later she's tells me she's not ready for something serious, and I am so intense and that terryfies her given that the last guy she was with was a psycho. I back away. Been here before. I was three quarters in love with this girl already. This doesn't happen to me often. Say 5 times in 20 years or so. I'm over that edge already. I brake, too late, I reach behind me and grab a tree root and manage not to go completely over the edge. Ok. Fine. Try and be patient. See it from her side...I can do this...maybe it's even going to be fun. She doesn't play games and she tells me they put her off too. Like I said. She seems perfect.

Again over at mine and we watch a movie we've both already seen while we're on the couch. She makes it clear I can play with her which is fine with me but I don't push it. Frankly I don't want to have sex with her yet. I am enjoying this getting to know each other and she also seems not to want full blown sex. We just kiss and touch a bit and it's good. Very sweet and I haven't felt like this in a couple of years or more and I like it. She's told me she wants to go real slow, she's not ready for a relationship all things I have heard before and my Martian antennae are indeed now vibrating with the presence of nearby Chtulhu-like, madness inducing vibrations. But I am a Martian. We are fearless. And besides, I am still trying to figure out the whole Earth female thing. And by Jove I am nearly there. But I am thorough, and that's the problem. I want to understand not just MOST of the female population of your planet. I want to understand the unhinged section of it too. (Click on the link for the diagram, or click here for that original post)

INTERLUDE

As it turns out, in fact I probably should give you all an update on my continuing search for a replacement all-female crew for my yet-to-be-found-starship. If this doesn't make sense to you click on the links above and it will.

Allow me then an interlude in the recounting of my latest aneurism inducing experience on your planet.

Where to begin. And how to do it without offending the sensibilities of my host planet's inhabitants. The delicate diplomatic balance of Terrans and this one lone Martian could be adversely affected... Oh! Oh! Wait...I Know!

Screw it! I have a zap gun Earthlings! Feel free to come at me any way you want!

(There are cleverly hidden, subtle, hypnotic commands in that sentence which will affect all unhinged category Terran females to possibly take alternate actions towards me...)

Firstly, let's reproduce the graph concerning Terran females. Which we might as well describe as an invariant law on your planet, certainly in London anyway.

Hotness

Please keep in mind also the footnote that: There isn't a Perfect Woman in reality, but if there were I would guess she would be a pan-dimensionally insane Goddess, her Chtulhu-like madness inducing insanity reaching out through various planes of existence, warping the very fabric of the continuum.

Now. Since I first came up with that graph, I have endeavoured to research Terran females quite thoroughly.*

We Martians are a thorough species, and if I have refrained from reporting on my progress until now it's because I have not understood the full chart yet. However, given the upper ends of the chart are progressively insanity-prone and also insanity-inducing it's probably prudent to leave some notes...after all, despite my superior Martian intellect, iron will and telepathy...the Chtulhic properties of Hot Looking Terran Females (HLTF) are not to be ignored. I may well loose my mind before I figure out the last part of the chart. If that happens hopefully the notes I leave behind may be of use to the next Lone Martian Explorer/Researcher. Earth males might also gain some insight (sadly, much needed in most cases apparently). 

Basically we can divide the chart into a few categories for simplicity.

WARNING: The following will be written in brutally blunt direct terms. This is often misinterpreted as mysogynist, chauvinist pig behaviour. The reality is it's just clearer and more efficient (for men anyway) to just get the facts uncomplicated by emotional content. And since, for the record, I love women, this research is mostly done for men, so they can get better at treating women properly. As for my own views of women, I actually respect and value their minds, (which was NOT always the case) which is more than what most men can say if they are completely honest. The fact is girls, you can't do logic to save your lives, and in a man's mind that means you're brain damaged and stupid. The reality is that what you do is a highly evolved social networking kind of thing that I would approximate to a quantum computer, that is weird, strange and freaky, but it works and is damn useful though don't ask me to explain it with logic. As a matter of record allow me to say here that as it happens, I think the female mind may actually have more value than the male mind if we look at the history of humanity in its entirety. This by the way is a pretty big claim and one that I will not bother to explain here as it would take too long.

Lastly, if even after reading this warning note, what follows offend you or you still think I am a mysogynist chauvinist pig...well...then you're just fucking stupid so I don't care.

I wonder if I can apply to be Ambassador for Mars whilst here on Earth. I am sure you agree I am a diplomat at heart.

One night stand material and below

Essentially this group behaves quite similarly, they are after all, the most rational part of the Terran Female population.**

Their plainness has forced them to actually deal with the objective universe directly and they had to develop a modicum of rationality to do so. Weirdnesses are generally limited to harmless things like being obsessive about reading their horoscope daily, or maybe not being able to figure out you're actually interested (for social research purposes) in actually getting naked and sweaty with them. Sometimes when they DO realise they shudder in fear at the thought and escape. This is actually not that irrational because in some cases they feel they need to protect themselves from falling in love with you if they also perceive your hotness to be way beyond their normally self-believed limit of availability. In other cases however, once they catch on, this will generally result in them having a whole different kind of shudder. Usually a much more vocal one too if you're any good. And you should be. Woe betide any metro-sexual excuse for a "man" that doesn't make the female orgasm. Moreso for one night stands if anything. It's your duty as a male to ensure this really. I'd complain about it more vociforously but of course, the fact so many men are apparently inept at this sort of helps me do my research more efficiently.***

Acceptably Hot

This is one of the most annoying and irritating categories of female. They also include a few sub-categories, such as the Cockblock Queens, the Neurotic and the Deluded.

These girls are passably hot. As a man you'd definitely not say no. Well. Unless you were with someone else, or unless you'd just broken up with The One and were still so crushed you couldn't bring yourself to do so. Or unless your friend had tickets to a cool movie. You get the drift. This kind of girl more often than not takes care of herself, dresses right and uses the right make up. Yet, deep down she knows she is not a model and yet she wants to be soooo badly part of this higher category that at least some of them will be the taking on the behaviour of their hotter counterparts. So you'll see a girl that is a 6.8 or a 7 at best trying to behave like a 9. (Note: Rating women on a scale of 1 to 10 based on looks is crass and objectifying. It sort of repulses me even as I do it now, however it is explains the issues efficiently. And we can all do it if asked ok..on a scale of 1 to 10...which is why it serves a function here.) Enter the Deluded. The problem is....you're just NOT that hot honey. Nor that smart.

Part of what makes a 9 a 10 is that they have so many interactions with people (men) that they are forced to develop a brain. Often a funny, cool, exciting brain. Because as all men know (but few women suspect) a woman with a dull brain can never be more than an 8, maybe 8.5, possibly 8.8 tops. No matter how perfectly flawless her body is or even her bedroom techniques combined with it.

The Deluded hopes against hope (or reality, or common sense) that by behaving like a spoilt brat-princess type she will have reality fold upon itself and men will treat her like her justifyably superiorly hot supermodel aquaintance. Sadly, many metro-sexual types continue to add fuel to the fire because having lost their primal instincts along with their testicles long ago, they are now used to treating all females with a dull, smart-arse-never-know-if-I-am-getting-any attitude that looks funny and witty on the surface but gets nowhere fast. The only sane response to the Deluded is to ignore her completely. This of course will turn her into the Cockblock From Hell. Because of this some men put up with the Deluded in some form or other just to get to talk to the hotter friend to some degree. When this happens the Deluded morphs into merely the Cockblock Queen. The Cockblock Queen basically doesn't want her hotter, smarter, funnier friend/acquaintance/total stranger to get any more male attention than she is getting. Her ineptitute with the male species is such that even if she does get male attention, the Cockblock Queen rarely knows what to do with it.

So she'll just try to spoil your fun (and her friends'). Different men have different strategies for trying to deal with Cockblock Queens. But these are Earth strategies. Personally I just treat them like any Martian does an obstacle. We barrel through it and shoot it and kill it or neutralise it at the earliest opportunity. It's usually something subtle like "Hey, don't cockblock for your friend. I like her. And she's a big girl, I am sure if she decides to suck on my dick at some future point she won't need your permission in triplicate right? So go play somewhere. Pick a road with traffic on it ok? If/when your friend has enough of me she'll know how to get rid of me. Now get a taxi home on your own. Here's cab fare. Bye."

This sometimes will get rid of everyone in a 10 foot radius of you, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. You can dance with your eyes closed then. 

The Neurotic is usually a bit older or worried about getting older. She also may have been a former Deluded that has now seen the light. They cockblock too but they are not doing it with much intent. Go easy on these ones. They are more like roadkill on the path to pussy. Not really a roadblock with gun turrets like a Cockblock From Hell. No point in driving over the dead possum in the road just swerve around it. Have some respect.

Despite their neurotic behaviour, sometimes Neurotics will actually make decent girlfriend/one night stand/casual relationship material. Some of them have just been hurt by some asshole man, or may have other problems of indeterminate nature. They can occassionally turn into Cockblock Queens, Cockblok From Hell, Fake Deluded (i.e. still just a neurotic) or even spontaneously combust. However, if you take one to bed, be gentle. Even if she wants to be tied up and spanked, go ahead but be gentle with her emotionally. These girls have sometimes been through a lot and they might never tell you. Respect them even if they seem distant sometimes. Some may have been raped or hurt badly or something. As a man, one of the best feelings you can have is when with a woman of this nature you finally help her see she's ok somehow. It can happen many ways, but for me it's mostly occurred through loving sex. There's definitely some truth to that song Sexual Healing.

I have had neurotic women turn into docile, well-balanced, happy, solid people after they had been properly cared for for a short time. They may cry in bed. Hold them. Don't be a bastard. Don't lie to them about your feelings. You never should anyway is my view, but with these women in particular be sensitive. If you are not in love with her tell her and tell her that you do care about her just you're not in that kind of love with her. Which is the minimum of what you should feel towards her otherwise don't go to bed with her. Don't use this woman for a loveless one night stand. If you do I lay a Martian curse on you to have your dick rot and fall off.

The Cockblock From Hell would reply to the example above with something like "No! You rapist fuck! I saw you pour that powder in my friend's drink! And I know what you did to Mary last month you sick fuck! There is NO WAY I am leaving my friend here with you! Come on Tracy, he's a rapist, let's go."

Please take note that this is when you have never even met anyone called Mary, you are not a sexual predator, and indeed tracy doesn't even have a drink. Nor do you have any powder or any other drug on or about your person or placed by you anywhere else.

Cockblocks From Hell though are rarely as problematic as your standard Cockblock Queen. Mostly because they are so bitter/angry/crazy that frankly if the girl you like is a friend of hers close enough that she allows herself to be dragged away...well...trust me. There's something deeply wrong with both of them and you're better off. On the off chance she is dragging away a stranger by force (Cockblocks From Hell will do all sorts of crazy shit) you can still usually ask the girl you like to give you her number. Be subtle. Say something like "Give me your number, I'll call you when that crazy bitch is carried away in a straight-jacket for abducting you. Say in one hour?"

On a planet with any justice Cockblocks From Hell would all be put on the same island with wishy-washy-never-make-my-mind-up types of "men". And the island would be cut off from the rest of humanity.

Model and Supermodel

Not a lot of difference in these two, but sometimes a Model material is not actually a model and VERY occassionaly one of these isn't completely Schizophrenic. That is their schizophrenia is somewhat predictible and localised. Most men who consider themselves very lucky will marry one of these.

Models who aspire (mistakenly) to be Supermodel Material usually become a high-octane version of the Deluded. They also usually miss the Supermodel mark due to inferior intellect not so much inferior physical attributes. 

Supermodels on the other hand are always insane. The most dangerous ones are the ones that appear sane, normal, and well-balanced. They may pull this off well-into after you have had sex with them and whilst you are blissfully starting to think of the names of firstborns, all of a sudden you'll turn your head on the pillow to look at her and she will have transformed herself into Freddie Kruger on crack. 

These women have problems that the rest of the female world would give an arm to have, nevertheless they are real problems. Mostly they have been fucked and fucked over by men most of their lives. Because men get attracted by external beauty so much, they will try to have sex with a very beautiful woman by most means possible. Because 95% of everything is bullshit, 95% of men are full of it too, which means that 95% if not 99.99% of the time these women have been lied to repeadetly about everything under the sun. Their emotions have been fucked over by asshole men that would say anything just to get a shot at fucking them. And sometimes afterwards just dumped them, lied more, became obsessed with them, you name it these women have been through it mostly. And after a while they have no sense of self left, they have no idea what is true or false and hence they go insane.

They will exhibit more of their insanity whenever faced with an actual honest, brave, tough, good, man. You see they are almost inured to the wishy-washy, macho, lying, cheating, weasel-type of "man" that fucks them over emotionally as well as physically. When a good guy comes along, it might as well be...well...as if a Martian had landed. They will all of a sudden begin to feel something real. And their neurology has developed a callus over time. All it knows is that every time she felt something real, something that she wanted deeply, she was hurt, lied to, fucked over, cheated on, broken inside. Yet the heart wants what it wants. And the heart of every woman wants a Hero. With Supermodel types though, when he comes along, they might get with him at first but then their accumulated wounds and pain and hurt all comes shooting out. And unless you are a battle-scarred, vicious, armour-ladden, blood-spattered warrior that can watch his own spleen beeing removed with a rusty fork without flinching, and YET that also will just hold her when he can and never flinch at her madness and just love her through it....well....she will cut you to shreds and move on over the strips of flesh she nails to the door on the way out as a warning to other "heroes".

And even if you are that kind of battle-hardened man that can take it all. It doesn't mean she will ever become sane again. Some of them are so far gone they are beyond help by age 20. I do not despair ever, but I have learnt to spot faster and faster those which are beyond help.

I learnt this by wasting much time and effort and emotions and energy and opportunity and life force on women that could not ever make that healing step towards the light for themselves. I do not do that anymore, yet each time I feel something analogous to walking past a trench with a wounded person in it and walking past without dragging them out.

But I have been inside enough trenches, and pulled out enough bodies to know. And you can't even give them the mercy of a bullet in the head. At least, in war, you can ask your men that, and through a flash of sanity some of them might be able to see their real situation and say yes. No point when you're missing all your limbs and your guts are hanging out to carry on is there? Similarly some of them that are not so bad might take stock and say "Fuck no! Get me the fuck out of here! I am missing my legs but fucking carry me you bitch!" Now that one is one that wants to live and all he needs is a little help. It's the same with the Supermodel types. You're still walking in a live-minefield with a hallucinating crazed person on your back, it's just she looks prettier. And you don't know about the mines.

If you intend trying to be with one of these women in a serious way, I suggest you have a strong heart and are able to take strong emotions calmly. Martians in general are not calm nor patient. We end up with physical scars and blood spatters on the walls. If on the other hand you intend to use these women purely physically by God TELL them! More often than not they would be more open to that than the mind-fucks they have been through. If instead you intend to get your way by mindfucking them... then please come round my place first. I wanna get that blood-spatter evened out.

There is also another class of Model, and this is the Fake Acceptably Hot. This is a woman that does NOT look after herself, is spectacularly bad at dressing up, make up, washing, whatever, that she only looks acceptably hot. In reality if you washed her, de-liced her, dressed her up properly, she would be Model or even Supermodel Hot. These girls will usually have serious self-esteem problems which are no fun but can be a bit easier than the usual insane behaviour of this class of female. If she's relatively sane and not suicidal with gloom, men who marry these tend to count themselves very lucky.

Girlfriend/Wife Material

This has now become a subjective, ephemeral, surreal class of Terran Female for me. That is...I am not even sure it/they really exist. It's more like a mirage or an illusion that you know is real, because mirages are based on real things. Just...how do you tell which is which?

Don't get me wrong. I KNOW they exist. I have met some of them. I have even fallen in love with some of them. Only to awake and find that there is no way in hell it would work with this person. They also sometimes just...seem to...evaporate. As if they were ghosts.

They are there one day and seemingly feeling the same as you, and then next day they are off to Cambodia to clear landmines. Or they do something that clearly tells you they are utterly unhinged and probably have mistaken you for their imaginary friend Bartholomew. You also sometimes wake up, look at them and wonder "What the hell happened? Where is my memory? What's my name? Why on Earth am I here with her?!?!"

My current working theory is that approaching this level of hotness begins to warp reality around you.

I also think one of these type of female might be responsible for my memory loss and lost spaceship. Not to mention the disappeared all-female crew. These creatures can be insanely jealous, paranoid or anything else really. One strange detail is that I am immediately comfortable with them. A lot of the game-playing females do almost seems absent from these creatures. It is an illusion of course, but I have not yet mastered the ability to see past it fully.

END INTERLUDE

Wow. That was a long interlude. But at least now you know the reasons behind the insanity and the degree of progress I have made researching your planet's female population. I am still absent a decent crew. I mean...I'd be fine if I wanted an Acceptably Hot crew...but you know how it is...Martian Spaceships only work with Unhinged quality women doing the maintenance...sad but true.

So...to recap with my original brain damage story...

So all seems great and I really liked sort of watching that movie with her. I ask her to stay over and sleep with me. And I mean sleep. She's tempted but leaves anyway. We have a date to go somewhere. She cancels but has lunch with me. She has to go away for the week-end and I ask to see her before she leaves and it doesn't happen.

She goes off the radar. Monday I send her a long text telling her to basically just tell me what the fuck is up. But politely. She says Ok here's me being honest. I fucked this guy I met 3 months ago and I'm going to try and have a long distance relationship with him. I'm not in love with him.

Yeah. I know.

Makes perfect sense right? Not ready for a relationship, been badly hurt, nothing serious. So then a week after I'm half-in love with you you tell me you're going to have a long-distance relationship with a guy you've known for 3 months and aren't in love with. This is why some men think women are all lying whores.

Except she's not and they are not. Women experience life through emotions. Men experience it through analysing and correcting course. She needs to go through some good sex with non-important guy/s before she's ready for something serious. She needs to learn to trust herself again. She's terrified of anyone intense. I know why. She told me about her last serious relationship. I get it. I'm not even upset. I'm hurt sure cause fuck it, I really liked her a lot. And the coincidences. the weird ass fucking coincidences freak me out. Things that have a 1 in 3 billion chance of happening happened with her. I am not exagerating. It's like the Venusian Girl all over again.

OK. I get it. I see the pattern. I'm missing something. What? What is it? I only fall for weird flaky women with emotional issues that will re-route them out of my life permanently?

That's not teaching me anything. What am I supposed to change? We do meet up. Yesterday. I wrote down the things I wanted to say. Basically it's just so when I say Bye I won't feel like I haven't said everything. And she reads and says she'd like us to still be friends. What. I'm supposed to sit next to you but not touch you? Not kiss you? Not want to make love with you?

Fuck that. I am not ever doing that again for anyone ever. Not for 5 minutes.

I understand all of it. Why it happened, the actual way it happened, the reasons behind it. It still hurts of course, but at least I am not going crazy. I just need to understand the why. If I can see the truth of a thing, then I am ok. The truth of this thing is that she's not ready and she needs to go through at least one, maybe more, not important people before she could even think to be with someone like me. What I don't know and can't see is....does she see the same things with some part of her that I do. Does she see some of the same potentialities that I do? I mean come on. She came to me. You kissed me. You must do. And you are the one that showed me that weird freaky, one in 3 billion coincidence. And you're just going to assume none of it means anything?

I understand good sex twists women's brains. I know that really well. I have seen it and done it. And of course it would be easy to think, Jesus, why didn't I have sex with her first, then there's no way she would have gone anywhere for any week-end. And the bastard part of that is that I know I am right about that too. Sucks but I am convinced of it.

Easy to feel pain. So I sit there and tell her no. I can't be your friend. I am gone. And when this thing dies with this guy. And it will. Will you call me? She doesn't understand. I mean how could she. She can't see herself or what she needs or where she is. If she could she wouldn't need to go through this. So I rephrase it...if/when it ends with this guy will you call? Would you? She says yes. I tell her not to send me a fucking text. But actually pick up the phone and dial my number and speak to me live. She smiles a bit worried at that prospect.

It's her birthday in a week. I already had what I was going to give her. Now it will just lie in a cupboard. And Valentine's day. And the other things I wanted to do with her. Dead.

See how easy it is to make yourself feel horrible?

But fuck it. There is something to see here and I don't yet know how but a little baby girl helps me.

I went to a friend's place, she has a 5 month old little girl. I haven't seen her in weeks. I step in and this little creature, all puffed up in her little face from her allergies, smiles at me as soon as she sees me, her irritated skin almost closing one eye. I have no idea what the fuck happens to me, but I just have tears burst out of me. I am standing there and not sobbing or anything but I have all this stuff running out my eyes and it doesn't stop. It's like my breath has been taken away and I can't take this pain so sweet. And I feel so fucking weak, because this is supposed to be easy and nice and instead it makes me cry and I can't stop for two hours straight and I don't know why. And I keep looking at this little girl as she holds my hand and plays with my face and she's smiling at me and smiling at me and God is Love comes to my mind and I don't believe in God or religion or the Bible worth a hill of beans but it lances my heart and I keep crying and I don't know exactly what I am feeling. It's all mixed up and there is something soft and beautiful in it and maybe shame, maybe fear releasing, maybe something like that...maybe like fear leaving my body in some way. But I don't know what it is that I have been afraid of or even if I have.

And I remember watching this movie 21 grams and crying at the end of that and not knowing why. I remember sitting there in the cinima after everyone's left and still have tears streaming down my face and no idea why I am crying. It's fucked up. I mean it's not like I cry much. I don't remember the last time I cried really, but I remember that movie because I stupidly sat there feeling something and not having a word for what it was or a clue why I was feeling it and why it was making water come out of my eyes.

This was a day or two before I met her for the last time. So when she apologises and says I am upset, I don't ...I can't really agree. I am not upset. And I am not. Upset is something very few people have seen me. And I try to remember that feeling that the little girl made me feel. And by God I do feel better. I can do this. I can walk away from her. It would be easy to keep staying close to her. To say ok to "just being friends". But it would be even easier to fall completely in love with her. And this is not so easy. And as a human it sucks and it should be impossible. But if I stay in that place that the baby showed me....I can be ok. I don't see it yet. I don't see the why. But maybe I will sometime soon. And I turn to look at the woman next to me. And she's beautiful, amazingly so. I am not in love with her because of her looks though. It's her. How she is. And I wish I could kiss her one last time, but I know I will not.

I say bye to her and we hug. And I am still ok. And yes sometimes I slide down a dark thought. But I try to remember the feeling the baby taught me. And as long as I am in it I am surprisingly good. I am happy even. There is a mild melancholy, but it is tinged with gold and hope and something that feels like prayer even though I do not know what a prayer might be.

I'm pretty sure she will never make that call. I still can't see the why. And I want to be free. I know the pattern and I know I will wreck myself into a half-dozen women in a few weeks, and yes I'll manage to do it in a way that I don't do what I just went through to anyone, and I used to worry about that being maybe a screwed up way to heal. But it isn't. It might just be one or it might be a dozen women, but what the hell. I'll go on meeting them and playing with them if they want to play with me too.

And I'll wait now. Wait to see if what that baby girl showed me, if I can try and keep staying in it long enough, if sometime soon it will show me the answers to my questions.

I hope so. Cause my zap gun feels heavy today. I don't even feel like shooting anyone anymore.

But I am not sad. Not depressed. Maybe the best description is kind of like...wounded. You know... cut but not bent.

Ok so I got another hole in my body and it's bleeding, but fuck it. I am still breathing. Moving on.

I do hope she'll call one day. I might be a Martian but I can't completely stop that thought from coming to me during the day. And at night. And while I work. I just mustn't let it be the focus of my day. And I must just carry on living. breathing. Feeling the way of being that the little girl showed me. Learn to breathe so I do not feel this pain anymore when I get in that space.

I came up with a way to try to explain the experience the little girl gave me. I came up with a kind of Zen Coan steeped in Christianity. Go figure!

God is Love

God is Truth

There is no God above us (only sky)

I am sure you can figure out where each of those comes from. Now the way to try and feel that feeling is....

each one of those three statements is true. When you can hold all three in your mind simultaneously without conflict then you'll get it.

The mother of the little girl explained it to me more simply. She just said I need to be able to experience unconditional love without needing to try to do anything or give anything back. She's right I think Except it works also when I am alone or sitting in a place with a woman I could fall in love with in a minute and having to say goodbye to her because she's too scared and hurt still to be able to stay near someone with a heart like mine, because she would burn. I am like a sun, on fire and she's just barely getting hers started up again to a little bonfire. But I see past all that and into the core of you humans. And then I get lost there and ignore the human weaknesses and personalities and egos. Or I used to. I'm learning. Slowly.

It is a concept that is Christian really isn't it? It's like...everything is ok. God is love. There is love everywhere. And how does it reconcile with child mutilations in Sierra Leone? I don't know. I can't say. I would fight there. I would still kill. I just wouldn't be in a rage about it maybe. I really can't say. But those sentences mean something to me. Truth is Love and God is Love and there is no God above us.

It doesn't make sense does it? It rambles. It seems like the talk of a crazy homeless person. Maybe I'm just brain damaged.

PS: This was a hugely long post. I have no idea if it makes sense. And fuck the spell-checking. It's going up as is.

* No Terran Females where harmed in the research. Some mild ego-bruising may be inevitable for all parties concerned occassionaly, however I am happy to report this occurred only infrequently.

**Any foolish mortal that however interprets this to mean that Terran Females, regardless of classification on the Hotness Chart Scale cannot suddenly transform into chaos-imbibed monsters a-la Horned God saga type of creatures at any given random time would be a foolish, foolish mortal indeed. And probably richly deserves his fate of having his guts spilled decoratively about some female's garters as a result of such naivetee!

***Please note that certain equipment malfunctions can and do occur to every guy at some point. If the female in question is not suitably wordly to realise this requires certain actions on her part and/or if she is unwilling to take responsibility for the fact that equipment malfunctions are beyond our control and require female assistance to resolve, then, you are excused from performing your duty. Just as the female orgasm is in fact fully the male's responsibility, "getting it up" is fully the female's responsibility (you will not read this in Cosmo boys and girls, but it's true all the same!) Sub-note for the girls: And no....if the guy can't get it up it generally does NOT mean he doesn't like you. Generally it means he REALLY does like you a LOT and his body is freaking out because he can't believe you might actually like him too so it's trying to make sure he doesn't fuck you, feel amazing, fall in love with you and wake up the next day to discover he was just YOUR one night stand. Unlike females, males have little self-knowledge, so we'll often be naked and in bed with you before our brain goes...ohhh...you could be hurt...no worries...we'll save you...by deflating your dick.... now! Trust us girls...this requires loving care from your side and then it's fully resolved.

Sub-note for the boys: And guys...if this happens to you and if it's clear she gets upset, sad and she doesn't know what she needs to do...tell her. Just cause your dick isn't working temporarily does not mean your mouth isn't. Tell her what you need her to do. I know it's kind of intimidating to tell that superhottie you never thought would look at you twice to suck on your balls for a couple of minutes to get you happy. Or whatever it is you need. But trust me...most women will be grateful for the direction. After all doofus, if she's naked in bed with you it's a pretty safe bet she likes you. So tell her what to do. Gently but clearly. Of course once in a very long while you'll have some female say "I won't do that!". If she says this at what is such a fragile moment for you...help gather her clothes as you throw her out. It's the gentlemanly thing to do.