So I got curious and I found this, but it doesn't really count to my mind because... well he was alone. That just makes him the world's biggest wanker. Literally.

I did wander what the most number of orgasms is with another person actually having sex or at least making each other come.

 

So far my personal best at age 19 or 20* has now been overtaken. And that is with a damn work-day getting in the way.

Now of course for a woman the number can basically be anything, because whatever God didn't give them in terms of being able to do logic, he neurally implanted in their pussies so they could have multiple orgasms and scream his/her name all night long.

But for a guy there is a physiological limit. We actually produce enough matter to light up a city each time we orgasms. That's some hard work.

 

And no I do not count that whole Yogic having an orgasm without ejaculating. What the hell is the fun in that.

I mean...it's just nicer to plaster the girl inside and out and write your name in cum on her skin. Besides, they like it too.

 

So without bullshit or bragging I wonder what the real number is. So far for me it's 9. But I still have ah hour or so when I get home to see if I can make it a round 10. If she's in.

But that's with me going on 3-4 hours sleep a night for the last 3 weeks and a not inconsiderable amount of other crap going on in my life. I reckon if I go on holiday with her, rest up a bit first, eat well and just am chilled out I see no reason why I couldn't get to 20 honestly. That is unless she gets burned out. Though I have to say this girl seems particularly resilient.

 

I'm not obsessed with the record/number thing. Just curious. I only sort of realised it because she made me aware of it and then I realised hey...that whole thing about libido dropping off as you get older...it's all bullshit. Up to now anyway it seems to have not changed at all for me. In fact if anything I feel healthier than when I was in my 20s and exercise wise I can go longer and do more now, with less sleep and in worse environmetal conditions than back then too. So I am not sure how that works. Personally I put it down to mentally/spiritually being also a lot tougher and more evolved and that carries through I think.

Anyway...if any of you know the answer to the title question let me know will you. I will have to accept anecdotal "evidence" since this is really the only kind anyone's ever likely to get, but I'd appreciate you guys (and girls) being honest.

My curiosity always did get me in trouble. This should really be a neighbourhood only post but...I really am curious. Oh well.

 

At least I know I have enough charge in the zap gun...

 

* In my defense: I did pull a muscle in my leg which made it really difficult/painful to move/walk. So I would say it was a stoppage of play due to injury.

 

If it ever comes upon us (please? pretty please?) I will be just fine.

 

 

And I timed myself on the holding your breath because I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure how they determine I would survive a large shark though.

Probably venomous for them or something.

Anyway. It was cool to rock a dumb-ass little test on the web. Next I might apply for a doctorate in the surgical sciences. I hear some "universities" almost give them away...so how hard can it be. I'll just buy the certificate and learn as I go.

 

 

Soo...... thanks to Dee being motivationally inspiring I thought I'd keep her company and do some pushups myself.

I didn't start till today because basically I do some whenever I go training and I've not been sleeping much so I thought I should give my body a chance to recover at least a little.

Anyway I managed to do 60-20-10-11. The break in between being no more than 30 seconds and holding the position to some degree. That is able to arch your back but still supporting yourself only on your hands and feet. The idea is to get to be able to do 100 in one go instead of split up into parts like that. So we'll see how long that takes. An additional goal is to eventually get to 200 pushups in one go. I never got to it before, the most I managed was 120 in one go but that was years ago and then I broke my foot and had to have operations and I spent 6 months on crutches so it kind of lost it's momentum.

 

We'll see if I ever get to it because I have lots going on now. My job is definitely ending but has been extended for a little while as my boss panicked when he realised he would have no one left to do the final accounts, so that's what I'll be doing for at least a week if not two.

In the meantime though I have bought myself and my brother and sister a holiday to Egypt to go see the Pyramids for my birthday which as it happens on the 8/8/8 I figure is a good way to try and use my Martian energy to revive the Old Pyramid at Giza and see if I can get any latent communication energy power-up to call my spaceship.

Or at least my blue-skinned all female nymphomaniac crew.*

 

It is typical of me to have this reaction. Out of a job? Max out that damn credit card! On the up side I also booked a week long trip to Turkey. One of the purposes there is to go see the ancient city of Troy. Apparently Venetians are the ancient survivors of the collapse of Ilium (Troy). And my surname does have greek origins, so I want to see the place where Gods last walked the Earth long ago in the battles betwen humans. Besides, after reading Dan Simmons' ILIUM, I just want to see the place.

 

 

 

The trip to Turkey is pretty much unplanned. Well. Except for the part where there's a hottie with me to explore the ruins. It will get in the way of me meeting all the hot Turkish girls, but then again, I only see this girl infrequently and she's good about me doing whatever I want when not with her (and vice versa) so I think it's a small price to pay. Besides she's adventurous and fun to travel with. And the poor little creature needs it. I want to see her eyes light up when we drive somewhere together with no set destination in mind and just the two of us, free from any rules imposed on her by her life.

 

And my Russian friend got us an office in Moscow. It will be a partnership of three people. Him, me and Boris. We all do Systema together, they are in Banking mostly and I am in construction. Well. That's the official version anyway.

I think maybe they need someone to collect on bad debts. Whatever. It's all good to me. I like Moscow and I like Russians.

 

The next couple of months are going to be interesting. I have absolutely no idea what I'll be doing or even where or with whom. Or whether I will even have the money for rent, never mind all this stuff I'm committed already to doing.

I am starting to awaken from the cryogenic sleep I have felt I was in for the last year or so.

Thank the Gods!

And I sure plan to. Both at the Pyramids as well as at Ilium. I plan to make it a libation to life rather than a slaughtering of beasts. Though of course...after the required display for Aphrodites, eating a good roast will be necessary!

 

 

 

 

 

* Though to be honest, of late I think I must have my Martian antennae vibrating at the right frequency because there is more than one hottie from my past that actively went out of her way to find me and make plans to spend time with me. In addition to this I also seem to be attracting a couple of really good girls that I think I would be interested/ing in more than my usual week long fling.  

 

 

 

Show us what you wish you were doing right now.

We-eell...ideally I'd be flying through the Galaxy with my superheroine, nymphomaniac, genius IQ babe like so:

 

Failing that then I'd rather be flying through the Galaxy kicking ass and mingling with various blue-skinned sexy aliens like so:

 

 

 

And failing that then I'd rather be flying through the Galaxy wrestling my own dark side out of my system so as to live in a more harmonious Universe like so:

 

 

 

So that I may then vibrate at a more harmonius frequency and exist in a more pleasant Universe where I may then be free to Fly around the Galaxy with my loyal, superheroine proportioned, genius IQ, madly in love with me, nymphomaniac...so:

 

 

And I don't care whose ass I have to kick on the way there. Including my own if need be!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Saw it on Rogue's blog and tried it. It's pretty accurate, although I would hope I have developed at least some level of compassion. Tollerance not so much yet, but compassion I'm getting there. So I think I may be a tiny little bit more forgiving than is suggested here. Then again... maybe I'm biased.

 

Dynamic Thinker (DT)

(Just visiting? Take the free test and determine your personality type!)

Dynamic Thinkers are confident and independent persons. They radiate enthusiasm and energy. Dynamic Thinkers pursue their objectives actively and energetically. They love nothing better than new challenges. This type is the born leader, competent, energetic and responsible. They have a sharp eye for errors and can criticise without mercy if they see the success of a project endangered. They are completely unconcerned as to whether they alienate anyone in the process. But they are always open to objective arguments; they love discussions, they are very gifted rhetorically and they are good at convincing and enthusing others.

As they are very sociable, Dynamic Thinkers like to have a lot of friends around them, preferably those with whom they can share their interests and discuss all sorts of subjects. They are very direct but never in an underhand or scheming manner. If you can bear being spoken to frankly, you have in them a loyal and unwavering advisor as friend. Everything new and unknown stimulates Dynamic Thinkers and awakens their curiosity. However, rules, routine and traditional things arouse their resistance. If something does not go the way they want it to, they can react rather pigheadedly and obstinately.

Dynamic Thinkers expect a great deal of themselves and of others. Whoever does not fit in with their scheme of things does not have it easy. They sometimes appear to be rather severe due to their frankness. Partners and family also find it difficult to satisfy Dynamic Thinkers. They know exactly what they want and compromising is inconceivable to them. Whoever has an Dynamic Thinker as partner should have a strong personality and have a great deal of independence and sufficient self-confidence in order to give this dominating type some opposition. Normally, for Dynamic Thinkers, a partnership only takes second place after their profession. But they like to have someone at their side who is a match for them intellectually, with whom they can pursue mutual objectives and have interesting discussions all night long; preferably factual discussions - sentimentalism and romance are not their thing.

Adjectives which describe your type

extroverted, theoretical, logical, planning, rational, self-confident, ambitious, direct, open, severe, organised, determined, witty, independent, purposeful, dynamic, energetic, optimistic, competent, responsible, clever, intellectual, enthusiastic, demanding, structured, controlled, aggressive

These subjects could interest you

literature, sport (golf, tennis, running), travel, career, strategy games, politics

Ah well.

Finally crisis point is arriving.

I've just been told I have till the end of the month and then as they have no more contracts for me I will have to move on. I knew this was coming for a while and I also have my rent going up as of this month a few unpaid bills and my credit cards at an all time low (mostly because I paid all my tax in advance this year and put the cards on a 0% interest deal).

So yeah. 20 days to crunch time.

No job lined up. No interviews lined up. My agent is pretty much pissed with me because I turned down a job with a client he found me (they wanted me to work longer hours than now, longer commute and less money...I figure if I want to do that I'll REALLY max out the credit cards and run away to Argentina or something) so he's not overkeen to find me more work and I did want to go away for my birthday given it's on the 8/8/8 which is a pretty cool date to have a birthday on.

 

Any Chinese people wanna stump up say £30,000 and take me to Egypt and Turkey?* I'll let you share my birthday dinner and even rub your hands on me for luck. Hell if you're a hot Chinese woman I'll let you rub a lot more too. For a while if you're any good.

 

And my Russian friend was fired yesterday so that little plan of putting together something with him is either really going forward fast or never going to happen, we can't tell which.

 

Given all this, I should be feeling at least some tiny level of anxiety.

 

The weird thing is, I really don't. I have no plan at all but I have absolutely no stress regarding this. I am not in shock either. Just. Couldn't. Give. A. Fuck.

Something tells me I am over this kind of work.

 

Well...I'm all freed up now people, so anyone looking for a devilishly handsome freelance hitman give me a call.

I'm expensive but I take on political opponents as well as simple family feuds. And you only pay expenses and a 40% retainer up front.

I figure it's time to go back to doing what I know best and enjoy my work.

 

The Vox account is free so I should be able to keep you all posted.

 

 

 

 

*The number 8 is considered lucky and a bringer of much money in Chinese tradition. If I had any sense I would be trawling China-Town for a rich wife.....

 

 

If you're slightly dissatisfied with your life/work/situation, then I suggest you read this through. Whilst narcissism populates the blogosphere, I sincerely think this post may be of more than passing use to those who read it with a view to making drastic changes to their lives.

 

So I've been doing absolutely nothing at work. Just experimentally I went three days of a short three day week without doing anything at work that wasn't actually urgently required.

 

Do you think anyone noticed? Dilbert Principle at work. I expect to be praised sometime next week.

 

I did spend my time productively though. I listened to music, read more Tim Ferris and found this other guy Paul Graham and his essays and basically have now fully integrated into my nervous system the concept that:

I am just not meant to be working for other people.

I never did before coming to the UK and even here you could argue that I am freelance, but the reality is that for the last few years I have integrated into the rat race. And it's time to get out again. Even though on balance I really like my life right now.

Pros

• I live in an amazing apartment with a stunning view of London and really cool neighbours
• I can afford to pretty much eat as I like and entertain myself as I like with my limited free time
• I am relatively healthy apart from some training injuries which persist (mostly due to my not resting them ever)
• I am not short of nubile young hot things that of late actually ask me out without me even trying to hit on them (if I can patent whatever it is I am doing all my life's problems will be solved! In fact if I can just understand it most of my problems will be solved!)
• I have few but very loyal friends
• I am living better, healthier and having more fun than I ever have before in my life

 

Cons

• To keep up the lifestyle I have become accustomed to I have to sell my time in a far from efficient way
• The lifestyle I have become accustomed to is nowhere near the lifestyle I WANT to become accustomed to
• My soul is being gently crushed

 

It's that last one really that gets to me. All my life I have done one thing consistently. I always followed what I felt inside. It has got me into more trouble than any other aspect of my character. It has also been the one thing that most of all has made me feel my life was worth living. That's saying quite a lot because I went backwards through my life. Started as hard and rigid as you can get, with the smallest surface area possible to prevent anything from getting to me and gradually softened and flexed and expanded to a point now where I can feel I am almost ready to let that blinding laser-like light I have inside flash out of me. And my concern for the spontaneous combustions of Earthlings that might occur nearby is worrying me less and less.

I had to keep myself bolted down whilst frustration and anger and pain ruled me. It was the ecologically responsible thing to do. But I am getting close to being done with those emotions all-together now, so...that intensity can now be allowed to get out. It's still kind of scary. I mean... I have no idea what it will make me do next.

But for starters it's going to make me quit my job soon.

 

I WANT to try and learn to at least hold on when my heart decides to move. I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to think I could ever lead it really. It leads me. But I would like to just be able to hold on in a relaxed manner. So I am TRYING to not just walk out of my office and go sell everything I own bar some clothes and then buy a ticket for Buenos Aires or Panama or Palestine.

 

You might think I exaggerate. Consider however:

• I moved to London after 3 days here on holiday because my (now ex) wife said she wanted to live here now.
• I decided to get married to that same woman (and told her so) after the third day I met her. It was the second day we'd spent in bed.
• When certain people did certain things to other humans I loved I have gone alone seeking retribution for these events in what can only be described as less than safe situations. It's not that I was not afraid. I was terrified. It's just my rage was so much bigger. Miraculously I always seem to have not only survived but generally prevailed in these encounters.
• I have gone consciously towards situations I thought had a very good chance of ending my existence purely based on my sense of what was right or wrong inside me. Human laws never had a thing to do with this. My own cognisance of right and wrong has been my only guide. And will forever be the only guide. If you are interested in my philosophy of life I would suggest you read this. It is the most cogent argument and closest to my own way of thinking that I have ever encountered. The man was not only a genius, but has been (correctly I think) described as the most subversive man in history.  

 

I know that my problem will not be to survive this coming storm I feel imminent. I have survived far more drastic changes and change does not scare me per se. It does stress me though. Or used to. And I wish to make this next drastic bunch of changes in a more relaxed manner. This is what has prevented me from doing it all at once. Not fear of it, but fear of doing things with a sense of fear inside me.

 

Fear and me have had a generally interesting relationship. I hate it. I hate being afraid probably more than any other emotion. Maybe because I was often afraid as a child, or maybe a natural disposition to wanting to be free. Whatever the reason, once I become aware that something scares me I will not leave it alone until it no longer scares me, it is dead or I am.

Psychologically it took me a long time to realise this forced my brain to suppress certain things with monstrous efficiency. Truly terrifying concepts which had no clear resolution were so well hidden I had no knowledge I was even afraid of them.

I had a real big one for a long time. No one outside of me could really tell, I certainly didn't act as though I had this fear, and indeed I was not aware I had it at all. When I realised I had it it was a shock to the system. Facing it was the most difficult experience I ever had to deal with. Given the choice of 10 vicious violent armed men wanting to beat me to death and facing that demon, I would have chosen the 10 in a flash. But I had no choice. And so, over a period of a year or two I did kill it.

 

Now, my fear with changing my whole life upside down again is not the doing of it itself, but rather the fear that I will be afraid while I do it. So I have been waiting for a way to sense my way forward that allows me to do so without being afraid.

I realise it sounds impossible, but now today, for the first time, after devouring a lot of inspirational material by men whom have not just had extremely interesting lives (I have had a very interesting one myself so far) but whom mapped the territory well and left signposts, I have for the first time got a sense of how it might be possible.

 

In terms of living your dreams, my skill has always been one of being able to observe others and amalgamate the genius of many others, mix it with my own intuitions and then come up with something that is essentially a uniquely original point of view. My downfall is that I do everything almost completely instinctively. The up side is I am faster than most humans. The down side is that I am faster at going in the wrong direction too.

Also instinct is a thing we have before language so mostly I only have a vague "feeling" about why I am doing what I am doing. As most people know...going by feelings will mostly get you nowhere good.

My view though is that I am a pioneer. It has taken me long because I am first. This is always the case. What I have discovered is that not all feelings are equal. Some are mere emotions. These are to be ignored with the harshest and most contemptuous of attitudes that they deserve. Those feelings however that originate from our core, well. Those are never to be ignored, but are in fact to be followed blindly if need be (though I'd suggest you keep your eyes open if you can).

 

When was the last time anyone ever told you that not all feelings are created equal?

 

I think of it as a fighter plane with a pilot and a navigator. The pilot thinks he's the boss. In reality the function of the pilot is purely to keep the plane alive. That's it. His whole purpose is to get the plane to where it's going, make it do what it needs to and get back to base in one piece. So naturally the pilot thinks he's the boss. He's not. In fact the pilot is no more important than a wing.

He's more complicated than a wing, but no more important. His function is merely to keep the plane alive and that's about it. The Engines of the plane might also think they are the boss because without them nothing happens. But engines of course are too stupid to even be able to act on their own. In fact they just re-act to whatever the pilot decides to make them do (and the limits of physics). The Engines are no boss either. Though it might seem as if they are since they push and pull and move the plane to and fro seemingly at will.

There is in fact one boss but he's generally quiet, never gets any of the glory and in the aircraft I am thinking of is the guy who actually pulls the triggers on the cannons. He's the navigator. This is the only guy who actually knows where the plane is supposed to go, why, what it's supposed to do there and when it's supposed to come back.

The pilot is our brain, the engines are our guts or emotions and the navigator is out heart or if you prefer, TRUE feelings, as opposed to false feelings.

 

How do you tell the difference between a true and a false emotion or feeling?

That my gentle reader, has taken me all my life to figure out, but I am close to having it down to a science now, though the process is more like very precise art.

 

I will give you some clues.

• It seems like a nonsense but some feelings are objectively (more) correct in the eyes of "god" than others. Heart feelings are always so.
• Intensity of the feeling is generally no good guide as to whether it's a gut(engine) or navigator(heart) feeling
• Paradoxes inherently are closer to the more objective (god's eye view) truth
• You have to get rid of as much of your emotional traumas and imprints as you can before you can begin to distinguish a gut feeling from a heart feeling
• Heart feelings are never ever, ever (at least not once in my life to date) wrong
• Gut feelings are an illusion even when they appear to have yielded correct or good results
• Gut feelings can be mastered by using heart feelings against them
• Heart feelings can only be muted by using gut feelings against them but they will continue to arise until set free

 

Resources for setting yourself free permanently:

 

• Paul Graham - read his essays. Not all will grab you by the troath unless you are a programmer (I am not) but he has many that are very useful. Note I say useful. It's hard to write useful stuff that will compell action from people. The link leads to an essay I think should be required reading in schools. There are others. Read them. And act.

 

• Tim Ferris - Buy his book. Just do. Few books have affected me as much. And I read a lot. In one year of high school I once read some 200 books. None were for school. Seriously, if you were going to read only 5 books in your life, this should be one of them.

 

If you found this useful and wish to let me know that would be appreciated. I'd just like to know there are others out there planning to escape the gerbil cage and wheel.

 

PS: And as to how to do something fearful without experiencing the doing of it as being fearful? I am now learning to do this but I cannot explain it in any kind of words. The closest I can come to it is that there is a way to take over your nervous system and make it respond differently from your animal-implanted base reaction level. The sensation is quite disconcerting and makes your skin feel as if it's crawling with a sensation similar to a shiver and a readjustment and goosebumps. Medically I have no way of proving it yet but I believe I have found a way to reprogram my parasympathetic nervous system on the fly.

I know this is an outrageous statement to make, nevertheless it is the closest I can come to verbalising the process in any kind of way that might be of some use to others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After my last post I got this:

 

• Workaholic Hostess wrote:

***

Today she is inspiring me to post more about my past between this and her comments about her own upbringing and my replies to Lazywong's comments on her blog. So here goes.

 

***

 

They hang people for murder in that country so I suppose it depends on how much they knew about him and what he'd been up to. Or even just what his friends had been up to.* I have no idea what happened to him. It's not like I sat and had tea with him and discussed it.

One of the unarmed guards at a place of business that did money exchanges along with a bunch of other stuff saw that a group of men that wanted to exchange a large amount of cash actually happened to be armed. He told them that the boss with the key to the safe for the money exchanges was away for lunch and to come back in a bit. Then he radioed us. We knew an armed robbery was imminent and all we knew was that there were six or so guys and likely all of them armed.

There was only two of us and only one vest between us which was too small for me anyway. We were in civvies but stood out like a sore thumb anyway for two reasons. The first was that the other guy ran the largest private security company in that particular country and as a result was a well known figure and the place about to be hit was unlikely to not have been researched at least a little before the event. His car was well known and we did not have time to get there in a different one, the second reason was just as bad, and that is we are both white which tends to stand out when you know that a particular place about to be robbed has the only one of a very few white guys with guns on retainer and the area about to be hit at that particular moment had few white people about except the occassional wife going shopping for groceries in the supermarket attached to the money exchange place.

 

Also, I wasn't "official" in that particular country so I didn't have my own firearm with me, which meant we arrived at the place with him carrying his concealed para-ordinance .45 if my memory serves me. It has a 14 round magazine and the man can shoot under stress and shoot well but the fact is they would know who he was and there were at least six of them and all we knew is that they were black and were armed with at least handguns, but who knew what else. This was near a petrol station so people and cars arrived in continuous streams, plus it was lunch time or near to it so there was even more people than usual. He decided that he would go inside the shop and wait there, which made sense in a way, it allowed him to fire at closer quarters and faster (and he's fast) and also if I managed to spot them or give him warning before they entered the place he'd have cover to fire from and be able to protect all the people inside the shop by covering the entrance to it.

I remained in his car with the mini-14. It had 20 or 30 rounds and a spare magazine. It also had a scope, which would not be an issue at the ranges we would be firing at and more usefully a laser targetting sight which was accurately bore-sighted out to about 100 meters. I obviously had to stay in the car since I couldn't exactly conceal a semi-automatic rifle under my t-shirt. We'd parked the car at the side of the road and on a bit of a rise. Left keys in the ignition, radio nearby and we waited.

I ran through a mental check-list and I was at peace witht he world. I had just broken up a little earlier with my girlfriend of 13 years so I didn't have anyone to feel responsible to any longer. And I had written out a will which was in my wall safe at her place and she knew where it was. I thought if I had anything left to say or do. the only thing that came to mind was to tell her and my brother that I loved them. So I sent a text from my mobile then settled in the car seat and checked inside myself. Yes. Now I was at peace. Now it's fine. I settled to wait. If I were them I would just drive past first, not stop as soon as I saw that big green car standing there on the side of the road. Drive past and look at who's in it. Then drive past a second time but fill the windscreen and the dumb tall white guy sitting behind it full of copper-jacketed lead. Or if they're quick thinking just do it on the first pass. Or park and come out of the car shooting.

 

I'm always calm in those times. It's strange too the thoughts that go through me. Very practical or funny but always calm and I would say even kind of happy. Serene anyway. I had on jeans and a white t-shirt.

That would make a hell of a mess if it hit me square in the chest. God I hope no one would take a picture of that. Not sure why, but blood on white clothes always looks worse. Thank fuck my mother wouldn't get to see that. That would upset her more if there was a picture of it.

And I don't know how I knew, maybe I remembered it from another life, but I knew if it happened like that it wouldn't be painful. Just feel a little punch in my chest and then it would be hard to breathe but hopefully I'd pass out before having to struggle coughing up my own blood. Or if it was in the head I wouldn't even know about it.

Just please God don't let me get shot in the balls or have my guts ripped out of me and take a day or two to fucking die or worse yet live in a wheelchair where I can't feel my dick if it's still there or use my legs or shit like that. Just make it clean if it has to go that way. And if I really must check out today. Well. Just give me a chance to drill some of those fuckfaces right back see? I'm not greedy. Say 3 or 4 of them. Hell I'd settle for 3. But at least one or two see? Just a second or two, that's all. Just give me a second or two. That would be enough to get 2 to 6 rounds out. And that means at least a couple of those fuckers giving me an escort straight to hell. I figure if hell really exists I'll use them as bargaining chips when I get down there.

But mostly it was just calmly waiting. Remembering that the angle of the windscreen diverts the first couple of bullets that go through it a bit, so if they were good shots i might still not get hit by the first couple of rounds. I kept the mini 14 in my lap but the seat was pushed all the way back so I could come up in a half-second to the shoulder, less if it was just to clear the muzzle of the car's door. The mini didn't have much of a kick anyway so I wasn't worried about recoil breaking any bones if I fired it whilst still in contact with any part of the car, besides, the seat is padded and I'd have other shit to occupy my mind.

 

Whenever I worked with a team, or even just an impromptu thing like this one, I always had the same position. The giveaway guy. The one that stays behind and keeps firing until he's dead, or there's no more bad guys. In this kind of work I think most people in it are macho-dickheads and they'd probably shoot themselves in a foot as much as the target or their own team mates if something serious happened. Sometimes though you met one or two that were professionals. In those cases I always got a sense that each person naturally gravitates towards the job they could do best in the team. It was only some years later (and I realise now this event happened some 10 years ago, not 6. Damn time flies when you're having fun!) that I realised the implications from a psychological point of view of my always having this position in a working team.

 

In between the waiting we also kept trying to get a hold of the special response units the army had created. The other guy and their leader were on first name basis and co-operated regularly. The phones were all switched off. Couldn't get a hold of anyone. So we left voicemails. It's kind of eerie to leave a voice mail explaining your location and that at any time soon an armed gang will be over to rob the place you are at and could they please call you when they get this message. You can just imagine after the fact when you're in a body bag how that might look. Oh yeah, sorry we missed that message. Damn. Gotta rememeber to put the darn thing on charge at night. Or you know have it on during lunch-times. Oh well, better luck for the next guy.

 

We waited maybe 45 minutes to an hour. It was calm. At one point the other guy came out of the shop and stood next to the entrance. Not smart. If they just park at the petrol station and start firing from both sides of the car they could nail us both. Even worse, the guy is in my direct line of fire. I radio him to move. He doesn't understand why. I tell him look, move left, or right or better yet, go back inside the shop, really anywhere that is not in my direct line of fire would be good. He laughs and goes back inside the shop.

So much for professionalism. Well at least I know he's calm and I know him well so I know he wouldn't hesitate or miss. Obviously the concept of a backstop is not uppermost in his mind but I'm fairly certain he wouldn't shoot bystanders by mistake other than possibly as a result of that troublesome little detail of not thinking about where your bullet travels after the bad guy's body. Which in real terms is not a very big worry unless you're in a really crowded area. Besides his .45 slugs should pretty much be stopped by the car doors at this distance, at least a little, even if he gets careless. Especially after going through a body. Still...I make sure to discuss it with him. If it happens, the first guy firing will be me, so he'd have time to take a peek before blazing away, so pick your shots see?

 

Finally a car with six or seven people parks in the middle of the petrol station, three guys with wide t-shirts outside their pants come out, at least three more are in the car, one seems to be a woman. I raise the mini 14 so it's just below window level and get comfortable. Laser sight switched on. Radio the guy inside. Tell him there are six plus a woman. No weapons I can see but they have loose shirts. Handguns at worst. One heading toward him. I have the others covered if it hits. I'm ok. They fucked up. If these are them they fucked up. I don't see any long arms inside the car, though it is dark in there so I can't be sure, but I'd see anything like that if it was being readied.

And buddy unless the gods are with you I am one of the few people I know that can do a headshot at 50 metres with a handgun, and that still takes a second or so of aiming, and you wouldn't get that either because as soon as I see you drawing I am sending two 5.56mm rounds at some 3000ft/sec straight through your torso. That is bound to fuck up your aim more than a tad and in fact spoil your whole sorry ass day.

The two guys outside the car look at me, they call the third guy back who was half-way to the shop. I relay everything to the guy in the shop as I can, without taking my eyes off them or my hands off the mini 14. I can see them thinking about it, inside the car it's dark but there is decisions being made too, they talk a few seconds only, it's that time when everything begins to slow down and gets really sharp. And I find myself smiling. I am actually so relaxed now I am in a perfect space of readiness. I have been here a few times before in my life. I know this sense. I think it's what is called the Void in the book of five rings.**

If it comes, I will be able to raise and fire more accurately and precisely and quickly than I ever could if I tried to do it instead of just allow it to happen as it does when you're in this state. They don't talk anymore they just sort of hesitate, stand still for a second, then without speaking they get back in the car and drive off.

I'm sort of surprised. Almost let down is the closest I can come to describing the feeling. I mean not unhappy or sad mind you, but I guess it's a physiological thing. Probably had all sorts of natural chemicals running through my system and now the rush of them toning down is a kind of downer emotionally, not huge, but emotionally perceptible anyway. Like a slight nostalgia or something.

 

Shortly after that we gets a call from the Army's special task force guy. They arrested them already. I try to ask details, was it the six guys we saw, was it a blue car, but I don't get any replies while he continues to talk in the phone, says thanks for calling and hangs up. Then he makes another call and gets his driver to drop my car where we are. I never did find out if it was the same six guys but it seemed weird to me they never filled any petrol, never went into any shop nearby, the one guy headed towards the money exchange place then stopped half way and they all got in the car and drove off without speaking anymore. Weird behaviour for a car full of people to take. Anyway I get my car and I drive off. Then at a street light an Army Jeep pulls up with 4 guys in handcuffs and tied together and I know that task force uses two Jeeps like these ones and the Army guys in it are switched on. They look different from your average dopy soldier. The guys in handcuffs are still in civvies. I don't recognise the face of the guy I saw well, but then there are two Jeeps and I know from the phone call that was received that they spilt them up into two groups; for questioning later I guess; and because the task force only has two Jeeps. One of the prisoners is wearing a brown t-shirt, it looks like the ones I saw in the car. I look at him and that is when we have that little moment I posted about in my last entry.

 

***

 

And I fully appreciate Workaholic Hostess' take on her client and that he gets to live to spend money on her another day. It makes me laugh and smile and I find it kind of poetic. Maybe sad a little, maybe beautiful too a little. The older I get the more I seem to be able to see both sides at the same time. The grubby, filthy, dirty, savage, greedy, fucked-up little humans all just struggling to survive in their stupid, blundering brutish ways. Especially in crowds. The stupidity and mindlessness of crowds always strikes me wrong and so hard. And at the same time I also see those same little faces of the pitiful humans, striving, trying, pushing, believing, crying, laughing, stumbling with little comprehension or hobbling with grim determination in the face of a seemingly careless Universe and I wish I had a magic power and an ability to set them on fire with love and light and open their eyes somehow to themselves and their powerful but hidden souls. God how can I hate and love them all so much?

 

 

 

 

 

*I used to train in karate with a particular dojo. Then I moved to South Africa and lost touch with them and joined another dojo. When I returned to this other African country years later in conversation I asked about my training partners and mentioned one guy in particular who happened to be technically a good guy. He also was kind of weird and a bit crazy, but he seemed like a nice guy and certainly was always friendly with me. He was kind of funny too. Sometimes he spoke as though he was Bruce Lee, using the same kind of voice and intonation as the classic movies. I was told he'd been sentenced to death and hung. Apparently he'd been involved in a robbery where an old man had been shot and killed. But I knew this guy and could not really see him shooting an old man. As it turns out it was not him that shot the old man but one of the two other guys he was with. They all got arrested and they all got hung. Being a murderer or an accomplice to it gets you hung in that country. It's not a bad law really. I did miss him a bit, or maybe at least missed the (unreal) possibility of asking him "Hey bud... what the fuck did you go and do huh? Robbing a place and killing an old man? What stupid fucking thing to do is that. So tell me. Why did you do it then?"

I think when we die maybe it's like that. We get to commune with all the souls we fucked with, fucked around with, fucked over, got fucked over by or generally were involved with in some meaningful way and we get to find out all the answers before we incarnate again and do it all over again.

 

** Go Rin No Sho (A book of five rings) written by Miyamoto Musashi is comprised of five parts or five "rings/books". The first four are Earth, Water, Fire and Air, the last is called the Void and is only about a page long and it is probably the best explanation of this state of being which is essentially impossible to describe.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Workaholic Hostess wants to go visit with a client in hospital who has cancer and is wondering if she's crazy. For those of you too lazy to click on her blog, she's a hostess working in Japan's notorious Roppongi district.

I don't think you're crazy. You're just in a sector of society that is at the edge of human experiences. And you're giving some compassion to a scared human being. There is nothing wrong with that. Actually I think it's quite brave of you considering the nature of the relationship and the ease with which this could simply be dismissed (even by yourself) as just another "souless" act. Merely part of your work. In my line of work it might have been a small kindness towards a guy you have just handcuffed or beaten or something. I know it's not the same, or it appears different, but it's not really.

 

Once, about 6 years ago in a country in Africa, when these guys were arrested by the army special units just before they drilled us full of holes, 10 minutes later I was driving along and the army jeep with them tied up in the back of it parked next to me.

I looked at one of the guys in the back; he's tied up, he knows he's fucked. And a few minutes earlier if I hadn't been lucky maybe he would have blown my spine out the back of me, but I don't hold it against him and when I look at him in the eyes I am just curious and open, no bad intention or feeling inside me. And he smiles at me and nods. I smiled back and nodded back. Just a roll of the die after all. Different circumstances, different day, different life, and it might be me in the back of that car and him in the driving seat of this one.

It's why Dire Strait's Brothers in Arms is my favourite song.

...but it's written in the star-light,

and in every line of your heart.

We are fools to make war,

my brothers in arms.

 

 

 

You know...intellectually I mean.

I've been following Dexter on TV since the first episode. It's basically the only show I watch on TV aside fron NCIS and the occassional CSI.

But I love Dexter. I mean just from day one I could SO relate to his thought processes.

And in what must be the penultimate show for the season (please tell me there will be another season!) as well as the one before that a couple of scenes happened that I just felt ... yes! I know THAT feeling!

 

Luckily I was alone at home and no one really noticed.

The first scene was when Paul (Rita's ex-husband) is basically just ragging on Dexter in the kitchen while Dex is just doing the washing up. At one point Paul unwisely just says something that finally clicks Dexter's button and the reaction is lightning quick. The satisfying deep gong-type sound of the pan hitting Paul in the head and knocking him out cold had a certain poetic ring to it. But the priceless expression on Dexter's face just says so much. Child-like in his speed really. Going from murderous rage to oooppss that's a fuck-up that's gonna be hard to explain in a flash. And I do so relate to the...honesty of it really. Yes, yes, I know about the socially unacceptable little details about him killing people and stuff, but hey, he only kills bad people and as you begin to find out why he is the way he is you have to respect his mind's way of trying to heal itself. It's ingenious really.

 

The other part I related to was when he just says to himself "no wonder I am always cut off from emotions. If I could feel things for people, then I would have to feel....this."

Dexter is growing up and becoming more self aware, but overall, his damage is beyond his conscious capacity to be aware of. He is unaware of things he fears. Once he becomes aware of them, that he is afraid of it that is, he does not hesitate to go towards them. And he does evolve as a human being in doing so. So he's a mass murderer, but firstly that's just a kind of technicality really. I mean come on, killing bad people doesn't really count. And secondly... ummm well no one's perfect right?

 

The thing is that Dexter is a reliable and honest person. I can see how it might make someone nervous to have him sleep over, but really, excepting sleep-overs maybe, he'd be a good friend.*

 

 

* As defined by that car sticker I like: Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies.